Over this past weekend, the university disclosed the unveiling of their new safety service – Stalkhome. This organization aims to assist unaccompanied students walking through the ghetto, by providing that student with a fellow stranger who briskly follows approximately 20-feet behind. The intent of this project is to ensure that the student arrives at their destination safely, whilst the walking companion provides security and surveillance from any unforeseen dangers. Some concerns arose regarding the hiring of these chaperons, as most of the candidates appeared to be residents living north of Princess Street. Contrarily, Principal Woolf had this to say: “I am so proud of our community for their work on this program. I just love making people follow me around all day. I use the service 12 times an hour. Just having a constant posse at my back really helps solidify that I’m everyone’s superior. I feel like I’m Jesus, and them… my disciples.”
Hardworking stalker, Alex Quink, claims this volunteer position has taken a larger toll on his life than he could have ever imagined. “They said we’d be working 2, maybe 3 hours a week. I just got off an 8-hour shift where all I did was walk behind the Principal as he tried to impart nonsensical ideologies to us; claiming that ‘we are his ducklings’ and that ‘he was going to nurture us to great fortune and warm health with his wisdom and gifts of healing’. What the fuck does that even mean? And here I thought we’d be the ones making others uncomfortable…”
Surprisingly, the initiative has been widely accepted here at the university, being used by hundreds of students and staff alike. There have even been reports of some students becoming so infatuated with the service that they have begun to develop Stalkhome Syndrome.
So if you ever find yourself in an unsafe predicament and need someone to escort you home, tailing a mere 6-metres behind, call Stalkhome at 613-533-9255.