As I’m sure you’re patently tired of hearing by now the School of Business is now honoured to hold the name of Stephen Smith, professional money-haver, Finalist in the Caucasian Category of the Pan American Most Obviously Made Up Name Olympics and notably not a graduate of the Queen’s School of Business. Yes as I’m sure the 13 Overheard posts, 15 Facebook statuses and numerous mocking messages left scrawled on Goodes bathroom stalls have now informed you, Mr. Stephen Smith is not a commie but rather a Sci’ 72 straight outta Elec Eng.
Now this distressing betrayal of basic commie-hatin’ values would seem like a real slap in the face to his own gentian-dyed kind but we like to think that Mr. J.R. has an ulterior motive. The actual CEO was not just abandoning the boys in purple to pursue life wondering what $50 mil would even smell like but rather using his hard-bought apotheosis to ensure that the following corollaries were penned in tiny tiny writing at the bottom of his agreement to hand Queen’s his youngest kid’s allowance for the week.
GPAs are considered Business Casual
The only commonly used phrase more vague and essentially meaningless then “business casual” is “social media analyst”. So while we’re stretching the definition of business casual from khaki’s and a polo all the way to a three piece suit with the top button undone, it will now be noted that our own Golden Party Armour will now be happily included in Goodes official list of acceptable business casual apparel.
Golden Goodes is formally recognised as a rite of passage for all commerce graduates
Everyone knows that one guy who says one dark night last year he urinated on the front steps of Goodes Hall, and yes no one happened to be around then but it totally happened, jeez. Well instead Mr. Smith is planning to make the bar a rite of symbolic passage as commerce gathers every year to urinate on their pride and joy in shame.
A giant bust of an iron-ringed hand flipping the bird be erected in the lobby of Goodes
As a testament to the emotional maturity of Engineering and the relationship between work and financial reward that graduates of both faculties will enjoy equally a great marble bust of a hand giving the French hello will be placed in the main lobby of Goodes.
All 1st Year commies must take APSC 151: Earth Science and Engineering
Because it’ll probably be just a relevant to them as it will be to 80% of engineering students, all first year B.Comm’s will be enrolled in APSC 151, bumping their class hours up to a shocking 13 a week.
Starbucks be replaced with a Tea Room Satellite Cafe
For far too long has that ribald mermaid gotten prime time placement on the front of Union St. But now it’s time to take the power back in an eco friendly and socially responsible way. Get ready to get your next venti mocha to be given to you by the most chipper and needlessly peppy baristas you’ve ever heard from.
Each FRECs given a pass to slap one Commerce Frosh each year
… Hold on a minute, Sam Codrington here, Editor for Golden Words, I’m going to stop this tirade of spiteful one-way interfaculty hatred by whistling like a traffic cop going down a flight of stairs on a station wagon with shitty suspension. EE-EE-EE-EE-EE-EE-EEeeekrash.