New Years Resolutions for Others


If you are like me (I feel sorry for you if you are), you find yourself being around people who are really unsure of what they want their New Year’s resolutions to be. You could be a good friend and give them ideas that would better them in their studies or social life. However, I suggest you say fuck my friends, and take this as an opportunity to give ideas that would be of benefit to yourself through the year. Here are some ideas and how they will be able to help you:
“Be a more helpful person in the New Year”– This is a must if you are in the same class as the person you are suggesting ideas for. It is a surefire way to get more free help on your assignments and maybe they will be so kind as to give you some of their work. 
“Cut back on drinking”– Do you have a friend that–every time they go out–you end up holding their hair back while they puke their brains out? Give them this idea and you will be able to go out and do something more fun than drunksitting. 
“Visit home more”– Perfect for your room mate in residence. Getting them to go home for the weekend allows you more opportunity to finally bring someone back to your room. 
“Be more adventurous in life”– Perfect for that significant other in your life, or alternatively, for someone you would like to become your significant other. If I need to explain this clearly you should not use this one.
“Try a change in fashion”– Give this idea to all your friends with man buns. Please help end this fashion trend in 2016.
“Be more responsible in the new year”– This is great if someone owes you money as you can use it to get paid back faster. If you can convince them that they owe you more money than they do that is preferable. It is important to get your money back with interest.
“Be a more generous person”– I recommend this one for your rich friend or a friend with a car. Think of it: free food and drives around town all year–perfect.
“Go to bed at a reasonable time”– This is perfect for the housemate who stays up until 3am masturbating on the other side of your wall. It will allow you to get to sleep when you want, and not be kept awake by the concerning noises coming through the paper thin walls of your house.
“Study more for classes”– excellent for the housemate who spends too much time around your house. This will make it so they are off in the library so you can do what you really want to do; walk around your house naked. It isn’t just me that wants to do that right? Right?
“Stop Vaping”– For that person who is constantly vaping inside you house on the excuse of “it is just water vapour guys,” meanwhile you are getting second hand high from their homemade weed oil that smells like a skunk exploded in your oven… Why can’t you just do that outside Jim!?!
By using these suggestions correctly you will have yourself one of the best years of university. Make sure you use them before the individuals break your resolutions for them like some pathetic quitters. The nerve of some people.