News of the Queen’s University


Because Queen’s University is the only university, it is also the only place in the world.

Queen’s University Wins Most CIS Tournaments
The Canadian Interuniversity Sport (CIS) championships are the most prized sports championships for Canadian universities. This year, Queen’s University has won the championship in Rugby, Basketball, Hockey, Rowing, Volleyball, Lacrosse, Field Hockey, Water Polo, Ultimate, and Baseball. The teams were all awarded the titles by default as Queen’s University is the only university, so there were no other eligible teams.
The only Queen’s team who failed to win their CIS championship was the men’s football team. Despite having no opponents, the Queen’s football team was forced to forfeit a game after having an academically ineligible player, Brendan Morgan, on their team. Morgan apologized to the school, saying, “I accept the fact that ultimately the responsibility for ensuring I meet the eligibility requirements is mine. I apologize to the athletics department and my teammates for the problems this has caused and the setback it creates for the team’s standing this season. I am devastated by the situation; I wish it had not happened.” As the team had a losing record, they were ineligible to win the CIS title and the Vanier Cup has not been awarded.

Ebola Cured
A recent study by the Queen’s School of Medicine has confirmed that the epidemic once known as Ebola has been eradicated. For the past several weeks, the School of Medicine had placed posters around campus asking for volunteers to participate in an Ebola survey. Several students signed up, enticed by the $50 of pay for one hour of participation in this survey. After doing several tests on these students, the researchers were able to determine that none of the participating students had Ebola. From these results, they were able to extrapolate to the entire student body and claim that Queen’s University, and therefore the entire world, is Ebola free.

2022 Olympics Cancelled
Queen’s University has withdrawn its bid to host the 2022 Winter Olympics. The IOC, without any candidate cities who wish to host the games, has decided to cancel the quadrennial spectacle of the world’s top winter athletes. The administration at Queen’s University cited several reasons as to why they withdrew their bid. The 2014 games in Sochi Russia cost an estimated $50 billion. Despite several hundred million in recent donations from Alfred and Isabel Bader, Queen’s still has a considerable amount of debt and is not willing to take on several billion in additional debt. Controversy has also surrounded the IOC’s demands for special Olympic Lanes which are only used by IOC officials. Several alumni have voiced their concerns that the inclusion of these lanes on campus could damage the historic limestone of University Avenue, ultimately having a “significant negative impact on the aesthetics of the University and its traditions.”