News of the World 11/04/2015


Obama Announces Candidacy for 2017 Kenyan Election as Socialist, Muslim Candidate
Nairobi – Speaking from a specially-constructed altar deep beneath the Obama family compound, President Barack Obama announced to a gathered press conference that, following the completion of his American presidential term he would be entering the race for the highest office of Kenya, his self-declared “homeland.” Speaking to reporters and the large crowd of supporters, the President declared “I believe that I can finally show the world who I am and what I am truly capable of while representing my true home and true people. With Allah’s hand and Marx’s laws, we can restore the Republic to its rightful place on the World Stage! Soon, the infidels of the globe will come to fear the name Barrack Hussein Obama!” to a rousing applause. The major pillars of Obama’s platform have yet to be revealed, but a member of the campaign team told reporters that “it should be fairly easy to implement seeing as the Kenyan people have already foolishly surrendered to gun control laws.”

Irresponsible Man Just Flushed a Lot of Hard-Earned Cocaine Right down the Drain
Dayton, OH – With profound disappointment but yet sad familiarity, neighbours reported that local resident Glen McTaggert, 32 squandered yet another stash of hard-earned cocaine down the tubes of his bathroom Saturday evening.  “Just as he’d cleaned himself up, and worked a lot of long days to finally get himself a respectable amount of cocaine, he’s gone and flushed it all away – all because of some cop banging on the door” his very disappointed mother, Grace McTaggert, told reporters, adding “he never could just man up and take responsibility.” Sources note that rather than put his riches of Columbian white in a safe house or invest it in growing markets such as arms or a bitchin new ride, McTaggert simply sat on it until the fateful day when a neighbourhood canvassing mistaken for a raid caused the supply to rapidly vanish down the drain. “Sure, it’s sad, but he should see this as a learning opportunity to ensure this kind of thing doesn’t happen again” said frequent business associate Snake Lopez. At press time, dismayed onlookers noted Glen was checking under the couch cushions to see if there were any spare drugs he could cobble together. 

Toronto, Ohio Elects First Non-Crack Smoking Mayor
Squealing with delight at the prospect of entering a new era of leadership, rabid supporters of mayor-elect Nathaniel Bookhound packed one of the 7 streets of Toronto, OH (population 5,091) to proclaim the victory of their candidate, the first in their city’s history to have never been an addict of Crack Cocaine. “It is time for change in our fair city” proclaimed Bookhound in his victory speech. “I am confident we can move boldly into the twenty first century with a fresh, exciting vision, crafted with a mind free from increased blood pressure, overconfidence, rotting teeth and other debilitating practices that have plagued previous administrations.” The new mayor was elected on a platform that emphasized the “cleaning up” of both the public and private secotor, which after more than 120 years of crack-based administration have become littered with drug dealers, common criminals, gang members, side hoes, and, of course, lots and lots of dead bodies. Local media is already reporting on the sensational wave of anti-crack sentiment that swept Bookhound to power, with the Toronto Star (Ohio) proclaiming “SCANDAL: Stone-Cold Sober Bookhound Wins Election”. Alternatively, the local tabloid the Toronto Sun (Ohio) reported “Dark Days Ahead.”

Local Middle Schooler Scored a Disappointing B+ on a Grade Four Algebra Test, Will Wind Up as a Gas Station Attendant according to Parents
Trying to hide their shame and disgust at their child’s objectively mediocre achievements in an objectively unimportant test, the parents of one Nathaniel Poole, Arts’29. stood in complete solidarity that their little boy’s life had been irrevocably bent on a path away from prosperity and towards prostitution. “I already have him signed up for pole dancing classes” said Mrs. Poole, “since the only thing, someone who’s as dumb as him can hope to do is shake it for dollar bills in Utah, or Montana maybe. It’s not being harsh, just realistic.” Mr. Poole, said in the conference that he had already gone about disguising portraits of their formerly beloved 9-year old behind shrubbery and plants in the house. “Me and the wife have hard a hard conversation and we’ve decided we ought to have another kid even though, we’re trapped in a horrid sexless marriage. Sometimes when you’ve messed up so bad, it’s just best to try again fresh, without a kid who scores 80% on a trig question like some kind of jackanape. We’re looking into adopting. And also adoption.”
At press time, Nathaniel Poole, like his mentor Albert Einstein, was exploring the intricacies of particle physics in his garage, having been too bored to have remained in class for all the fifteen seconds it took him to complete the quiz.