Harper to Castro: “Don’t Let Americans Ruin our Vacations”
As talks of re-establishing relations between the United States and Cuba have escalated in the past week, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper went to Havana to warn Cuban President Raul Castro about “the dangers of allowing Americans onto their shores.”
“Particularly the sandy beaches on the shores of Varadero,” he added.
Harper’s visit comes on the heels of outrage by the Canadian public at the prospect of thousands of loud, arrogant Americans invading their Cuban holidays. A petition that appeared on change.org stated that “since the 1990s, the only impedus to our pleasant time in Cuba has been the odd rude French guy who insists in walking around in a thong 24/7 because it’s ‘European’. But now, we’ll have to contend with the nation of people that gave the word ‘tourist’ a bad rep.”
Canadians went on to add that, while they do not agree with or even support the socialist revolutionary government of Cuba, “it’s still better than having to sit at continental breakfast with some clan of wackos from Maryland”.
Harper, always looking for an opportunity to ruin Canada’s reputation on the world stage, was reportedly begging Castro to reconsider opening up trade relations with the United States. “Look, Raul – I know that continuing a petty feud with the world’s superpower over something that happened over fifty years ago seems like a stupid idea, but do you really want a bunch of Arkansas yokels wandering around looking for a Burger King?”
At press time, Harper was seen held up in airport customs for trying to bring multiple barrels of Alberta crude onto the plane to Havana.
NASA Declares Space “Really Boring, Not Worth Looking At”
After more than 50 years of pushing the limits of human exploration, NASA has decided that, in fact, they’ve seen every piece of the universe that’s worth looking at. The press release stated that when you really look at it, there is more blank space in the cosmos than a Taylor Swift album. It was titled “When You’ve Seen One Cubic Lightyear of Space, You’ve Seen Them All.”
“We originally thought that budget cuts were the end of the world for us,” said NASA Administrator Charles Bolden said yesterday. “But it turns out that the government was actually trying to tell us that our time was up. And they were right.”
The agency felt that many of their top scientists could be better utilized to debunking the science in Hollywood movies, as there is “no way Neil Degrasse Tyson and Bill Nye can be available every weekend”.
Girl on Roller Coaster Sues Music industry for Billions of Dollars for Stealing Her Melody “Whoaaaa Whoaaaa Whoa”
Local amusement park enthusiast Heather McClusky is suing the entire recording industry for billions of dollars in lost royalties for using her reportedly trademark phrase – an emphatic “Whoa” – in dozens of hit songs over the past 20 years. Among the songs in question are Pitbull’s “Timber”, Fun’s “Some Nights”, Fall Out Boy’s “My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark”, Ke$ha’s “Tik Tok”, Imagine Dragons’ “Radioactive” and literally so much more.
McClusky was adamant that her phrase was taken out of context while riding Top Gun at Canada’s Wonderland, during which she reports that mega-producers Max Martin and Dr. Luke were riding in the seat behind her. The two, along with Sony Music CEO Doug Morris, who was buying cotton candy, then went on to take the phrase and infuse it into many of the Top 40 hits of the proceeding years.
The first hearing is expected to be held next week. McClusky had previously taken the music industry to court for the unlawful use of the “put your hands in the air” gesture, which she also frequently uses on roller coasters. The two parties settled out of court in exchange for McClusky getting the role of a background dancer in a One Direction video.
2015 G8 Summit to be Held at Fluid
In a shocking turn of events, Germany has backed out of hosting June’s G8 world leaders summit; leading Canada to accept hosting duties at the hastily chosen locale of Kingston’s Fluid Nightclub. “Kingston is a world-class city,” said Mayor Bryan Paterson, “and has many new facilities and accommodations to show off to the world. Fluid nightclub is one of them.”
Fluid was chosen due to it being generally under-attended by the population, which eliminates the need for much of the security usually necessary to protect the world leaders. As well, the facility’s free cover before 11 means that the most powerful men and women in the world can be free to enter to discuss the economy, climate change, and foreign policy over cheap drinks well into the night. After closing, the power-holders will retire to Vic Hall where they will be provided complimentary condoms. “We want them to get the full Kingston experience,” beamed Paterson.
Vegans Running Out of Earth to Eat
Realizing that, in fact, the Earth is a finite resource, the Vegan Association of the Globe (VAG) hastily assembled in Portland, Oregon to discuss how much of their extremely limited food choices are left to eat.
“Holy shit guys, we really should have thought this thing through,” announced Sage Wanderlust-Lieberstein. “As you know, our precious Earth has provided us with a plentiful bounty that we are to treat with respect. It seems, however, that our continuous redefining of what exactly is an ‘animal by-product’ or ‘processed food’ has rendered our options pretty fucking slim.”
Nonetheless, the group remains steadfast in its beliefs that eating meat or anything derived from, touched by, or looked at by an animal is not fit for human consumption. “If we were meant to eat animals, then how come when you eat raw meat you get salmonella and die? When you only eat plants, there is only like a 40% chance you won’t die from eating something poisonous.”
They went on to add that they are “definitely not a cult”.