News of the World

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Sun peaks out for the first time in Four Bitter Months: hundreds wounded

March 8th, 2015 will forever go down in the history of mankind. After nearly four complete months of bitter freezing cold, and a harsh cruel winter, the sun has peaked out of an impregnable fortress of clouds, searing the eyes of our newly adapted mole people species. We had grown to love the dark, illuminated only by the dim displays of our cell phones and other devices. We grew in it, our eyes expanded to allow for more light, the melanin faded out of our skin, we became Gollums. Then on that fateful morning, every unfortunate soul who happened to be caught outside was lit on fire by the sun’s searing rays as the temperature jumped above almost 273.15 Kelvin, scorching the world. We will never forget this as we retreat into our mole homes. The north shall never forget.


Daylights saving times error

An error made by Chris Bobs of the NRC resulted in our society jumping forward several years instead of just one hour. Turns out, because of technological addiction, nobody noticed or cared, and nothing changed. Enjoy the rest of 2136.


Professor Newstead Retiring

Professor W. Newstead is now retiring for the fourth year in a row. But for real this time. Like, he is absolutely serious about it. When asked the real reason he keeps coming back again and again, Newstead reported saying, “it’s been for the discounts at Ritual. I would stay another year, but most of Sci ‘18 is legal next year, and I would rather be as far away as possible by then.” Most of GW sympathises with the beloved professor.


British Government Proposes New Way of Fighting ISIS

With reports that more and more girls have left British schools to go and fight for the Islamic State, Prime Minister David Cameron has come up with a unique proposal to fight this new war in the middle east with love (read: seduction), not hatred. At the same time, Cameron claims he will be able to settle the disputes with Russia over pretty much everything. His idea is being officially kept under wraps for now, but reports say that several film stars have not been seen in their hometowns recently, including Daniel Craig, Sir Roger Moore and Sean Connery. GW has not been able to confirm if these incidents are related.


Balsillie to run for president

Blackberry creator and former RIM CEO, Jim Balsillie has announced his desire to run for president of the USA. After resigning as the CEO of RIM, Balsillie has been looking for a meaningful way to spend his time.

“I’ve decided to run in the Democratic primary as I think I have a lot to offer to the people of America. I’d like to bring American politics to Canada as I think there is a large market for Americanism in Canada. I could bring the American dream to thousands, if not millions of enthusiastic Canadians!” Mr. Balsillie has also indicated his intent to move the American capital to Hamilton, Ontario.

Balsillie has been declined by the Democratic party, citing that “Canadians are not allowed to be president of the United States”. Balsillie was upset by this ultimatum, and even offered them several million dollars to allow him to run.

Balsillie now intends to run in the Republican primaries. He has additionally stated that he will run as an independent if he is ineligible in the Republican party.


CBC Renews Television Drama

The CBC has renewed the television drama X Company for a second season this last Wednesday. This show is targeted at a younger audience. Said the younger audience, “What’s the CBC?” Said the older audience “What’s the CBC?” Said CBC’s audience “What? I can’t hear you?”

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