News of the World 4921


Assault in City Park

A man aged thirty-nine was assaulted by a group of senior citizens crossing the path leading through city park late on Saturday night. Police believe that after a brief confrontation, the three assailants took their walkers and chased the man around a shrub lining the path. Despite their hip replacements they eventually caught up with him and beat him bloody. The man was found in the shrub the next morning, police are citing the attack as the first recorded case of a “beating around the bush”.


Incident at the Brooklyn

A fight was started late last night at the Brooklyn between James Kettle and Dwayne “the Pot” Johnson. Details are still emerging at the scene, but it currently appears that Mr. Johnson, a black man, was insulted when Mr. Kettle accurately described his ethnicity. Police are saying alcohol was a factor ensuing scuffle, but ultimately Mr. Kettle is considered at fault for calling the Pot black.


Sci’ 18 continues to be inferior

“The silliest year ever” according to Dean Woodhouse as the frosh managed to drop the ball after three straight years of coordinated hijinks by the preceding years.


Local dyslexic shows up to costume party as Life, gives out melons to party goers

That’s the whole story.


Vladimir Putin Stops Competition in its Tracks

The Russian president moves forwards to ensuring his ever loving and omnipotence rule. He has recently purchased three kittens. These kittens have be described as ‘cute’, ‘fucking adorable’ and ‘better than grumpy cat’. Other opponents to the never aging president have decried the move, quoted as saying “I can’t win, he has kittens and is killing my party members”. Critics claim this is a power move that only a genius could think of. The election, commencing in 2100, when dear leader Putin finally puts down the AK-47.


House of Cards Released, No Politics Classes to be had this Week

Everything you need from this degree, Kevin Spacey exemplifies this passion and you all wish you were him. As such, all the Profs have cancelled classes and Mac-Corey will be showing all episodes on loop starting Monday at 8:30 AM. Please come join!


Toronto Maple Laughs Continue to be Laughing Stock of League

After an expected double loss this weekend, the team has become synonymous with failure. Looking at the dictionary,the definition of failure “is the Toronto Maple Leafs” (Merriam Webster 2015). Critics are not surprised and the team has had no further comment other than “We are proud to finally be recognized for something”.


Hundreds Die Attempting Cosmo Sex Positions

Thousands more in emergency rooms across the country.


Truthers Regarding the Journal Wait to See Light

After much anticipation and waiting, the Truthers (those who believe that the Journal is run by an over suppressive Lizard-Monkey hybrid) feel they are finally vindicated. The previous issue of the Journal has not been claimed as human written. Until it has been claimed by the Lizard-Monkey that they didn’t write the previous Journal, the Truthers will not been discarded.


The Llama Chase

If you don’t already know this you’re lagging behind, but just in case here is the latest in animal escape news: A pair of llamas escaped from a trailer earlier this week, and the Arizona police was taken aback as this was an unprecedented incident. As the world watched the llamas gallop down highways, helicopters and trucks were deployed to catch the two sneaky mammalians. After much fuss they were both captured by a lasso and their gallivanting was brought to an end and  the Sheriff grudgingly agreed not to file criminal charges against either of the llamas.