Leonardo DiCaprio to receive Jenga Achievement Award at the 2016 Academy Awards
Five-times nominated but never-awarded actor Leonardo DiCaprio is due to receive the honorary Jenga Achievement Oscar this February for his “services to the craft of acting and tireless efforts in the field of Jenga preservation worldwide.” DiCaprio was made a Global Jenga Ambassador by the United Nations in 2012 and has since used his celebrity status to raise awareness for Jenga tower destruction worldwide. When reached for comment, Mr. DiCaprio told Golden Words that “I am honoured to be recognized for these efforts, but hopefully they do not overshadow the despicable destruction of Jenga towers worldwide. These are disappearing at a rate never before witnessed in history and humans are almost certainly to blame.” He then went back into the club he had rented for himself and all the contestants of Miss Jenga 2016.
Oil now cheaper than wood, Jenga sales skyrocket, amid crisis
The last few month has seen Crude oil prices dropping by 70% amid world conflict. this decline in profits has thrown the energy market into uncertain chaos. With many companies closing mines until prices stabilize. Many companies have transferred their previously unused equipment to the forestry industry where prices are relatively stable. This increase in supply of high quality lumber has resulted in skyrocketing sales of Janga everyone’s favorite lumber based product. CEO of JAN-GAmes, Greg recently announced their new product, a biodegradable Jenga set. Initial reception have been overwhelmingly negative. Fuck you Greg.
ISIS Destroyed Iraq’s Ancient Jenga Tower Dating Back 1,400 years.
Satellite photos have confirmed the destruction of Iraq’s oldest Jenga tower. Photos show the ancient blocks scattered during its demolitions, several of the ancient monumental stones crushed. Bulldozer, sledgehammers, and explosives were used to coat the field in fine baigh dust. Bernie Sanders has condemned the actions of ISIS, “the destruction of the tower is an attempt to destroy the cultural history of Iraq and its people”. Donald J. Trump stated that he will Be pressuring Brazil and Greenland to construct the Great Atlantic Wall, spanning the distance between the two countries. Following Questions indicated that he was not sure where those two countries were geographically.
Kim Janga-Un Tests Nuclear Missile
North Korea announced successful testing of their most recent rocket and the successful detonation of a hydrojenga bomb. This test was met with global sanctions from the UN and statements of condemnation from almost all nation heads. Relations between North and South Korea had already been strained due to south korea’s speaker walls, which has since been turned back on broadcasting that Janga should be played with wooden blocks instead of North korea’s common compressed dirt.
Air Malaysia Apologises For Losing a Block From It’s Set
Tragedy has struck Air Malaysia yet again when it reported earlier this week that it has lost another block from its Janga set. while the search continues for the missing block, many do not hold high hopes. “This is the 3rd time within a year, I don’t think we will find this one either”- Greg stated during a press conference, what an insensitive asshole. Further outrage was sparked when Air Malaysia CEO stated that “ well now at least we can now have all the levels completed, it’s just one shorter”. Following the Uproar and indignation, Air Malaysia Press Secretary stated that further information will be given at tomorrow’s press conference. Golden Words will continue to report on this even as it unfolds.
Justin Trudeau Announces $3 Billion in Jenga Infrastructure Spending
After winning the election on a platform of deficit spending, Justin Trudeau clarified that the money will be invested into buying Jenga for all Canadians. During a press conference, Trudeau made a rousing speech to the crowd, many of whom are without their fair share of those treasured shiny blocks. “Canada needs to spur our economy. Oil is a bust, and we need to be fearless. We need to be ambitious. We need Jenga. Modern infrastructure is the pillar of a healthy nation, and I believe that more Jenga will be the key to a recovered economy.” Trudeau is confident that his plan will work, despite a growing chorus of naysayers, like that fucker Greg.
He elaborated about the reasons we need those sweet sweet blocky wonders, stating, “Jenga is the answer to all of our domestic problems. It creates jobs, makes our economy more competitive, and strengthens our communities. Out of control poverty rates? Jenga can help with that.. Strained relationships with the First Nations people? Jenga should solve that too. Jenga is forecasted to be stronger than the Canadian dollar by the end of 2017, which despite being financially nonsensical, is also true.”
After cancelling the F-35 jet purchases, the government will be able to reallocate further funds towards some of the country’s most direly needed infrastructure repairs, 95% of which is in Montreal. After The Unspeakable Toppling, Montreal has been an apocalyptic wasteland of brick and cement, crying out for some Jenga to restore it to its former glory. The planned infrastructure improvements include: Converting all brick buildings into Jenga, expanding the subway lines into The Bricklands, and un-toppling the toppled towers that once made up the shimmering Montreal skyline. The remaining 5% of the Jenga will be redistributed to refugees who have had their Jenga taken from them by oppressive foreign governments.
Jenga Found on Mars
In a significant scientific discovery, the Mars Discovery Rover has sent images back to NASA that indicate mountain contours that could’ve only been made by Jenga pieces tumbling. James Enga, a lead NASA Mars mission coordinator released a statement in front of media personnel: “As one of the core elements necessary to sustaining life, this discovery is huge in terms of the potential for discovering life on Mars, or eventually having human colonies on the planet. We are excited at the prospect of the new science that this will bring.”
JDUC Revitalization to be Duct Tape-Reinforced
To Greg’s dismay, the AMS announced for the first time that the hailed JDUC Revitalization will use revolutionary duct-tape technology, in addition to pieces from the ubiquitous resource, the lifeblood of our being, Jenga, peace be upon It. In a detailed report released this morning, the construction timeline and details were outlined. The report states:
“Due to skyrocketing construction costs and a crashing loonie, we needed to find the most cost-efficient and innovative methods to solve this complex engineering challenge. Our solution involves the literal building blocks of children’s’ dreams around the globe- Jenga blocks. Think about it: They fall down time and time again, but always get back up. We admire their perseverance and constant drive and believe they are the perfect material to construct this urgently needed revitalization.”
The report further described how the builders plan to source the parts, going in-depth on an ambitious plan to scavenge loose Jenga pieces from the floor of the Clark Hall DJ booth. With the cost of Jenga plummeting to an all-time low, the pieces are now the most viable option for fiscally responsible construction.
This is the first construction project in Canada to use this experimental technique in supplement to the centuries-old jenga construction technique. It comes on the heels of Engineers Canada taking a radically new direction in their construction policy, saying “Constructing all of our buildings out of easily removable wooden blocks not mortared together is a ticking time bomb.” However, many architectural ‘purists’ say that this technique disrespects the tradition and beauty of the jenga style. The JDUC revitalization should prove to be a divisive project and will define campus’ look for decades to come.
Kanye West Changes Album Title to “JENGA” – To Have February Release
After almost 3 years of waiting for a new album by Kanye West, and plenty of delays, Kanye West announced via Kim Kardashian’s Twitter that his new album would not be called So Help Me God or SWISH, but rather JENGA, as a provocative reference to the lifeforce within which all life sprouts from. All persons who have heard the album have come to media with raving reviews. Lamar Odom in particular said, “hold onto your blocks because this WILL be the best album of all time. Sorry Beethoven, The Beatles, and other B-related artists, Kanye West is at his prime in this album, written solely about how he loves Jenga almost as much as himself”. In other news, Kanye West announces own Jenga fashion line.
Jengus Khan’s Burial Site Discovered
Archaeologists and 13th Century historians are currently celebrating their discovery of Jengus Khan’s ancient burial site in modern Kyrgyzstan. The great Mongal king was responsible for defining hundreds of years to come, developing trade routes, modern warfare, and a grand Empire that rivaled even that of ancient Rome. Discovered under a 10-story tall stone Jenga tower, everyone has been asking “how did no one possibly check under it?” In any case, the discovery of his tomb marks stands to solve one of history’s largest mysteries, like the case of Jack the Ripper and Tutankhamun’s tomb.