News of the World – Week of Sept. 24


Queen’s begins invalidating student IDs of students who have left to join extremist groups
Perhaps due to a lack of student clubs that spark their interest, many Queen’s students have deserted their studies in recent months to join radical extremist and terrorist groups such as the Islamic State in Iraq and Al-Sham; and the Frosh Regulation Enforcement Committee. This has has led the university to release a statement saying that these student’s ID cards will no longer be valid.
These students who have abandoned school in favour of extremist activities such as gross misinterpretation of scripture, guerrilla warfare, and suicide bombing will no longer be able to ride (or, theoretically, blow up) Kingston Busses for free, a benefit of having a valid student card that will be missed dearly by some. “Like, say I gotta get across town to wire  up some C4 charges inside city hall,” said newly minted terrorist Allan DeMarco. “I don’t wanna walk for 30 minutes, hauling that shit all the way. The bus is more convenient. Sure, I could pay the $2.75 fare, but having that change jingling around in my pocket could alert police to my presence.”
“And then I’d just be back to square one.” 

Independence rager in Scotland shot down by the Queen
The UK’s largest rager was planned to commence in the Scottish highlands the moment the UK breaks apart. With the independence of Scotland from the union, the country was to be officially renamed Kingdom of England, as Wales is way too fucking small, and Northern Ireland can never get back to real Ireland. The whole of Scotland was bewildered at the prospect of the best party since their wedding with England.
The moment Scotland knew that they were not to become independent, and thus not to have a rager, an outpouring of despair was had. The Queen of England spoke out: “Scotland should stop wasting their money on their alcoholism and just shut up and contribute to our economy.”

Kingston Municipal Election Underway; Nobody Cares (Except Politics Students, but Nobody Cares About Them Either)
The date for the Kingston municipal elections is approaching. On October 27, 2014, Kingston area will be electing its new Mayor, City Council, and School Board Trustee. Meanwhile, nobody gives a fuck.
“Really? Oh, I didn’t know,” said Ashley Beamish, Artsci’17. “Well, does it matter to us? I mean, can we even vote? I’m just a student; I don’t even live here. Well, I live in the Ghetto, but that’s not controlled by any politician is it?”
Meanwhile, Politics major Queen’s alumnus George Monroe, Artsci’12, is campaining to run for the Countryside District councillor after being unemployed after graduating after his fifth year.
“I mean, what else is there to do with my degree? This is what I’m meant to do,” Monroe stated in an interview with Golden Words. “I don’t really care about my district; to be honest I’ve never driven up here in my undergrad, and I’ve never even heard of this district being a thing until last month. But I’m gonna run this campaign with all my passion because this is the only way I can deny my depression from being unemployed. I’ll deal with that after – I mean ‘if’ – I lose or something.”