Noah’s Mom Proves to be Best Wingman on Move-In Day


Despite having unbelievably low expectations for his mother, Noah Nivel was blown away by his mother’s ability to wingman when moving into Victoria Hall on Sunday.

Telling Nivel’s attractive, female floormates dope ass stories about how Nivel saved a family from a shark attack, Nivel’s mother, Ruth, was on a mission to help her son get lucky.

Despite sporting a completely undeserved confidence, like most new students, Nivel was anxious about moving into residence, making good impressions on his floormates and hoping that his mother wouldn’t be a ginormous cockblock.

“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t preparing for the most embarrassing version of my mother. She had been the worst in high school. She used to get a kick out of embarrassing me in front of girls all the time.” Nivel explained that she used to tell girls stories of when Nivel wet the bed until he was 15 and how he was Ruth’s “little wee-weey pants”.

Ruth confirmed Golden Words that she did in fact get an adrenaline rush from embarassing her son. “The only other thing that gets me that buzzed is shoplifting and I’m not interested in going back to prison,” said Ruth, “But my little boy needs to get serious about settling down. If I want grandbabies, my son needs to get it in.”

Like most bros coming to Queen’s, Nivel’s is looking to get laid as much as he humanly can in his first year. Despite never having been in a relationship and to his mother’s dismay, Nivel insists that he’s just not a “relationship-kind-of-guy” and is looking to take residency in “pound-town” for first year.

“I’ve seen Blue Mountain State, I know exactly how manage my expectations of university,” Nivel told Golden Words in an interview.

Ruth especially blew everyone away when telling Nivel’s attractive, female floormates he had to be a C-section because of how well-endowed he was as a baby then uncomfortably winking at them. She even went as far as saying that Nivel was a nice, young man who had a very large trust fund, again uncomfortably winking at the floormates.

Ruth was even able to comb through the floor’s talent, not only avoiding talking to unattractive girls but giving them the stink eye. “What can I say? I’m not interested in having fat, ugly grandbabies. Noah’s older sister already settled for a very ugly man and I don’t want to have to live through that again.”

Oen of the floor’s unattractive girls, Lauren, told Golden Words that Noah’s mom gave her threatening looks that made her uncomfortable. “I’m pretty sure she tried to give me the finger when I wasn’t looking. I also think I lost whatever interest I had in Noah because of how intimidating his mom is.” said Lauren.