Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places? Maybe Stop Looking In Crack Dens
Hey guys. Alex back at it again with the white Vans. Another weekend cut short by the Sunday-soul-sucking endeavour known as Press Nite. I’m not resentful that I’m consistently outclassed by people that are far more talented than me - who said that? In any case, yesterday was Valentine’s Day, and I know a lot of our readers are left with the sting of being single. Even though you are all extremely good looking, and have all the qualities of a suitable mate, there are lots of reasons why you are S.I.N.G.L.E. For some it could be their attitude or maybe personality. Here at Golden Words, we think that’s bullshit. We have a lot of really fucking weird writers, and some of them have even been able to snag a mate. We’ve come to understand that the real way to get a mate is looking in the right places. If you want to keep looking in your mirror repeating the phrase “I am powerful” over and over, be our guest. BUT if you want ladies and/or gentlemen and/or insert fetish here on your genitals, read this bad boy. Just because Valentine’s Day is over, it doesn’t mean that you can’t find love! Just don’t look in crack dens - not a great place.
In my experience, finding love is a lot like getting struck by lightning - you need to be in the right place at the right time. Unlike getting struck by lightning, which I do not recommend, finding love is a chill time that everyone goes for. So the first thing you need to do is go to places where people are hunting. Go out to clubs on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night. Make sure you go to Ale and Stages though. The Spot is basically a crack den so it’s what I would call a “No Go Joe”. These places are key! Ale and Stages are where 85% of students people are drinking alcohol, loosening up and dancing, and dressed their best! Compare that to the crack den you frequent, where the only things loosening up are the bowels of the toothless junkies you need to walk over to get to the “toilet”. Poor Lucille, she almost made it. At the club, with the loud music blaring and that girl from your first year Psych tutorial screaming the wrong lyrics to Mr. Brightside, your personality and flaws will be hidden from all. Brilliant!
Other places to go include the Law library, Med library, QP, the ILC Lounge, Tea Room; honestly, just go somewhere that isn’t a crack den. Your parents are concerned about you. You aren’t showing up to class, you sleep all day and get high all night, and you’ve lost all direction in life. Remember when you wanted to go to Law School? How happy you were when you got off the waitlist for LAW201?
Sorry we got sidetracked there for a bit. Since this is our Commitment Issue, feel free to read through our issue and see what other sorts of advice, stories, and hard hitting news we’ve got this week. Also, if any of you know a single girl who isn’t diametrically opposed to me, fire us an email.