Teen Dream Magazine’s Thrifty Guide to Scoring a Date with Bruno Mars
We at Teen Dream profess that there’s a star out there for every girl, whatever her type may be! If you’re into adorkable foreign boys, Ed Sheeran’s your dream man! You like Canadian coke heads with nice cars, get ready to fight Selena cause your man is The Weeknd (or Justin Bieber)! And if your style is Lionel Richie with balls there’s no better man than Bruno Mars! For years girls have wondered how to win the heart of this enigmatic superstar. Well, quit perfecting your gorilla-like fucking style and being just the way you are, cause Bruno has finally made it clear what he’s looking for in the form of his new hip single “That’s What I Like”. Now Bruno does have extravagant taste, but thanks to our financial analysts at Teen Dream, there’s an item on Bruno’s list to fit the budget of any girl! This is Teen Dream’s list of absolute must-haves to score a date with Bruno!
- Condo in Manhattan, $2 million — Certainly this is a little pricey, but if you can pull off the rest of the list, Bruno should let you stay at his place.
- Rented Beach House in Miami, $958 per night — Who doesn’t love Miami?
- 6 Ounce Lobster Tail, $ 17.99 — For dinner.
- Personal Chauffeur/Waiter Named Julio, $100,000 per year — Julio must be able to get the stretch and serve scampi.
- Scampi, $10 — Cause Julio needs something to serve.
- A Wallet Bougee Enough for Bruno (Versace Preferred), $575 — The good news about this wallet is, despite the hefty price tag, you can take it if you want it.
- Cadillac, $62,895 — A nice one, a coupe maybe. With a big engine.
- Gasoline to Put “Some Miles” on the Aforementioned Caddy, $2.50 per gallon — Keep in mind, most Cadillacs get 17 miles per gallon.
- 24K Gold Jewellery, $780 — That should cover one small piece of 24K gold jewellery.
- 2 Crystal Champagne Flutes, $80 — Cause why go with glass when you can go with crystal?
- Half-Decent Strawberry Champagne, $250 — Essential for Bruno’s favourite beverage.
- 3kg Bag of Ice, $2.79 — Now good strawberry champagne is hard to find on a tight budget, but let’s not forget the most important element of strawberry champagne on ice…ice!
- Magnum XL Lubricated Latex Condom, $0.75 — Staying safe is important, even a risky guy like Bruno would have to agree. While a thrifty girl may be tempted to go for Durex instead, this is a rookie mistake. Bruno would not be caught dead with a Durex on his dick. It has to be Magnum and it has to XL. Cause even if his dick does not warrant an XL condom, you know Bruno would buy an XL condom.
- Book of Matches, $0.20 — This is a thrifty but essential piece to please Bruno and an absolute must-have for sex by the fire at night.
- Bag of Firewood, $5.00 — Sure to heat things up! ;)
- Silk sheets, $180.00 -- You know, in case there’s a bed near your fire.
- White Diamonds, $5,500 per diamond -- This is assuming that these white diamonds are sizeable enough for Bruno to bother mentioning in his song.
- 2 First Class Plane Tickets from NYC to San Juan, $1400.00 -- For those classic waste-not-want-not trips to Puerto Rico.
- 2 First Class Plane Tickets from NYC to Paris, $1600.00 -- Can’t go on a shopping spree in Paris if you’re not in Paris. For a thrifty alternative, consider a shopping spree in - Paris, Ontario.
- Shopping Sprees in Paris, a shit ton of money, especially if, as Bruno specifies, everything’s 24K - Let’s say, like, six grand.
- Wall Mirror, $50 -- For late night ponderings regarding who is the fairest. Say “Us” for best results.
-- WARNING! DO NOT PURCHASE JAMMIES! BRUNO SPECIFICALLY STATES THAT HE PLANS ON WAKING UP WITHOUT THEM! --
When all’s said and done, Bruno can be yours for the low, low price of $2,091,307.24!