In a stunning display of Queen’s ingenuity and intelligence, a group of Queen’s students who “don’t watch football” because “football is barbaric” sat down like they do every year to watch the Super Bowl “for the commercials”.
As per their usual ritual, most of the attendees spent the entire pre-game show arguing over who knows less about football or the Super Bowl, saying things like “I haven’t seen a football game all year,” and “I don’t even know who’s playing,” like some sort of ritualistic hipster appeal to ignorance. So like you would expect from such well read, educated, strongly liberal students, they turned on a stream, sat down with a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon and some organically grown, unprocessed, gluten free, vegan, halal, and kosher chips (aka blessed grass). One of the members brought vegan cauliflower “wings”, not because they’re actually vegan, but because they’re just better than you.
The group then loudly ignored the game while talking about how they don’t know what’s going on and how they’d rather be listening to a vintage record. Unfortunately for them, the geniuses decided to watch the game on CTV. As many of you may know, a Canadian television channel plays Canadian commercials. Unfortunately for them, they didn’t realize that after the 7th Telus commercial that they weren’t getting the high quality commercials they really wanted and intrinsically felt like they deserved.
Instead of realizing their mistakes, the members fawned over “how adorable the Fido puppy is,” and “how cool it is that the Molson Canadian rink is being played internationally,” though of course they don’t drink Molson, too mainstream. Several of the members will jokingly said “go sportsball,” and “put the puck through the hoop for a triple pointer,” attempting to out-ignorant those around them.
The start of the halftime show was literally the only time that they stopped complaining but then it only led to more complaining about lip syncing or how Beyonce was better. Katy Perry was undoubtedly too mainstream and the group discussed how Paty Kerry is better (you probably haven’t heard of him). The girls talked about how exploited the cheerleaders are and how they’re “not that pretty anyways,” whereas the guys quietly nodded while attempting to hide their erections in their extra skinny jeans.
The group talked about how many millions of dollars each ad costs (still oblivious to their Canadian programming) and how many affluent white people could be sent to build houses in Africa with that amount of money. The halftime show was the only part of the entire game that they payed any attention to, or remembered afterwards. They will talk about how they watched it but didn’t pay any attention or even remember who won for weeks.
Being proud of not knowing something is apparently cool if it’s not something that they care about.