Not aMUSEd


After years of begging the student body for a student fee it seems that enough people have accidentally clicked ‘yes’ during the referendum this year for MUSE magazine to finally secure funding. This most likely came from people who wanted the free CoGro, but also wanted to get back to masturbating as quickly as possible. 
Now that they’re finally free to waste the fee money of everyone too lazy to find the opt-out fees page we decided to actually take a look at the magazine. Since 85% of the content found in MUSE is actually copied from tumblr we decided to break our findings down by category:

This section actually isn’t too bad; it’s filled with all sorts of movie reviews, and doesn’t limit itself to shitty local acts like The Vault does. At first I thought my adblock was broken when I saw an article titled ‘Instagram Accounts that You Should Be Following’, which still may or may not be paid placement.
Wow, they even have an article on how to get into jazz music…
oh no…

…oh god no…

They actually listed Ornette Coleman in the first spot on the list. ORNETTE FUCKING COLEMAN. The guy who played his fucking sax out of key and called it “music”. Seriously! This guy made a thing called Free Jazz where the musicians just dink around and play random notes (though the difference between regular and free jazz is imperceptible to most people). For those of you who don’t know, Ornette Coleman is kind of like the Hitler of jazz music. For those of you who don’t know who Hitler was, he was kind of like the Donald Trump of the Nazis. For those of you who don’t know who Donald Trump is – just fuck you. Seriously this guy is all over the news pretty much all the time, the power of the eternal American Election cycle completely dominates Canadian culture even overshadowing our all of our own politics. 
Moving on…

This section is the other main focus of MUSE, and it shows. It’s filled with articles that perpetuate a vanity-driven throwaway consumerist culture that tries to keep you in the grip of greedy corporations, though there actually is some good fashion advice (totally changed my denim game). That being said it is still my personal belief that clothes are an invention of the man to keep you down. Proof of this is whenever I try to express my belief in the awesomeness of nudity to women when I’m driving around the ARC, women so oppressed by the system their first instinct is to call the cops. 🙁 

Here is where you can find the travel blog of everyone who has ever left the country, bragging about how they didn’t stay in a resort, and how they really found themselves. The other half of this section all kinds of neat ideas on how to spruce up your room. This is all advice that you’re not going to follow, after all you’re living in your house for 3 years max, and the cleanest it’s going to get is when you hide your dirty dishes and beer bottles in the closet when your parents/a particularly hot tinder date comes over.

Apart from the fact this is pretty much the same as the Arts and Entertainment section it turns out this is where they put the interviews with local wannabe up and coming musicians. This is an attempt to be more like local music blog The Vault, which is kind of like the Roger Egbert of indie music. If you don’t know who Roger Egbert is, he’s kind of like the Daniel Dennett of movie reviews, who in turn is kind of like the Stephen Hawking of philosophy. If you don’t know who he is.. you know what, I’m going to be the bigger person and end this game now. 

Muse’ings, ha ha ha. I bet they thought that they were pretty fucking clever coming up with that title. Featuring articles such as ‘The Art of Catcalling’ (which is actually a how-to guide), and ‘Improve Your Life With These 5 Youtube Chanels’ (once again, an article that they ACTUALLY wrote) this section doesn’t seem too bad at first. Once they realized they couldn’t just take the buzzfeed’s approach and pepper barren listicles with Doctor Who gifs to hide the lack of writing they actually managed to come up with some good content. Collected herein is the most advocation for self love outside of Wankfest (a real event btw). Most articles in this section deal with the true nature of love and being, completely ignoring the harsh reality that the universe doesn’t actually care about you. ‘You’ don’t actually exist as a physically meaningful concept, and are merely a pattern perpetuated by deterministic processes that exclude the possibility of agency and free will. All of your actions are encoded in the universal wavefunction and the boundary conditions of the universe, and every feat, fall, triumph, and moment of your life will never amount to anything other than increasing entropy and helping the universe end sooner. Also we all die alone.

Anyways that’s my review! Next week on the review corner: Llamas and Alpacas – do we really need both?