Obama’s 2016 Election Day Schedule


12:00 am — The president sleeps restlessly
2:04 am — The president sits up violently after awaking from a nightmare in which Donald Trump burned his house down in the night. He wipes the cold sweat from his brow.
2:48 am — Recognizing that sleep is unlikely, the President picks up the red phone next to his bed and orders a strawberry milkshake over room service.
3:12 am — The president sheds a quiet tear.
4:15 am — The presidential alarm goes off, the president groans.
4:16 am — The president receives an inspirational pep talk from Michelle. That’ll get you through any day.
5:20 am — The president gives a good luck phone call to Hillary Clinton and receives a prank .
5:30 am — The president eats breakfast, one bowl of Life cereal, four sausages, a pancake, two glasses of whiskey.
6:15 am — The president furtively sneaks outside, prepares to light a cigarette but gets busted by the first lady.
7:30 am — The First Family is taken to their polling station.
7:44 am — Smalltalk and selfies.
7:49 am — The president votes.
7:54 am — The First Family leave the polling station.
8:00 am — The First Family sings along to Michelle’s own self-empowerment playlist which includes a lot of Beyonce, Aretha Franklin and the theme song to The Greatest American Hero.
8:20 am — The First Family arrive at Hillary Clinton’s election day rally.
8:27 am — The President applauds speech after speech after speech from such distinguished individuals as Joe Biden, Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter and Ice-T.
10:33 am — The President gives a stirring speech.
12:00 pm — The president wonders impatiently where his lunch is.
12:48 pm — The hangriness overcomes him, president loses it and rips a sub out of the hands of an old woman in an “I’m With Her” t-shirt.
12:49 pm — The president apologizes profusely and offers to buy the old woman another sub, she loudly proclaims that she’ll be taking her business elsewhere, specifically to the Trump rally at the Radisson down the street.
12:50 pm — The president shrugs and eats the sub anyway.
1:48 pm — The president sneaks out to get a donut.
1:56 pm — The president sends a secret service agent to get a box of twelve donuts and has a quick nap in the Dunkin’ Donuts parking lot.
2:00 pm — The president confesses to his driver that this is one of the ten most stressful days of his life.
2:04 pm — The president returns to the venue.
2:07 pm — The president tries to get the confetti out of his hair and complains that the confetti is “a bit premature”.
4:00 pm — Are we still doing speeches?
8:00 pm — Polls close.
8:03 pm — The president pleads to the almighty, “don’t’ let him win, don’t let him in”.
9:00 pm — The president sweats as more state results are announced” Come on Florida!”
11:58 pm — The president’s daughter embraces her father and whispers softly: “Daddy, I’m scared.” He replies, “We’re all scared, honey.”
11:59 pm — Fireworks shine off the tears in the president’s eyes.