Attention all Queen’s students, staff and Kingston residences. This is an official warning regarding a recently emerged addiction. To some reasons still unknown, it has been observed that some people would experience very severe addictive symptoms toward Lazy foods. Up till present, the harms of such addiction and the cure of it has not yet been found. Thus the high officials of Queen’s and Kingston has decided to shut down the Lazy Scholar starting the second week of the Winter term. Apologies for the inconvenience created. For all Lazy Addicts out there, note that a request to illegalize all Lazy products had been submitted to the parliament for pending. Please approach your nearest local officials to receive emergent medical treatment for the addiction.
A friendly warning will be restated to all that are not yet Lazy Addicts. Such addiction is extremely dangerous and we will not hesitate to use punitive methods to prevent its expansion. All attempters to consume over-amount Lazy products next week or trade stored Lazy products after next week will be treated as Lazy Addicts. All sympathizers of Lazy Addicts will be labeled Addicts as well. The treatments are partially punitive but also scientifically beneficial, including quarantining all Addicts in West Campus and allow them only liquid or semi-liquid food in Western’s fashion (‘cause in the new year of 2015, Western still sucks amiright?) In this time of crisis, please all remain calm and compliant, then we will survive through this just fine. God bless all our tricolour souls.