Old Man Rant: Cell Phones


I’m tired of cell phones. There’s a series of things that I don’t like about them, and since you made the poor decision to start reading this article/rant, you can now enjoy me yelling in your face through the medium of print.

I remember back in the day when I had to deal with speaking to people in person if I wanted to communicate with them, like some sort of early 19th century Mennonite. This, of course, is the shittiest method of communicating with people. Sure, I can efficiently relay information without the risk of miscommunication due to a lack of tone and body language, but then I have to deal with speaking to you assholes. I often wished for a way to tell people that, “nothing much” was up with me, without having to look them in the eye or even respond to their question in a timely manner. Eventually, my prayers would be answered when Motorola released the RAZR. This was no ordinary cellular communication device, nay, it was the COOLEST phone of its time. You could tell by the name, RAZR, they spelled it incorrectly because they’re so COOL! Upon seeing the first commercial for this phone, I immediately knew that I wanted one. Unfortunately, my parents were modern day sadists and so they refused my requests to get my first phone.

Side note: If you owned a Motorola Razr when you were 14, you can go fuck yourself. Call your parents right now and thank them for being awesome. You’ve probably never done it before because they spoiled you and now you’re a self-entitled asshole.

When I turned 18, my parents finally decided it was time to provide their poor child with a means of contacting the outside world. The phone I got was a Samsung Galaxy Gio which is also known as The Samsung Piece Of Shit™. This phone had a ton of really interesting features. For example, it lacked the RAM to run any apps including the default text messaging system! Another fun feature that the phone carried was the ability to rewrite text messages after you pressed send so that complete gibberish would be received by whoever you were sending too. Truly a revolutionary piece of technology. When my contract finally expired, I was blessed with the option of getting a much less shitty phone. Much like your body, phones have been getting significantly bigger over the last few years. I miss when the point was to have the smallest phone possible. If someone gave me a bean and said that it was a phone, I’d be way more impressed than with these tablet sized monstrosities. If I can’t fit my phone all the way into my pant pockets, then it’s as useless to me as degree in philosophy. I ended up getting a Nexus for those of you that were wondering. It’s a really good phone. It’s so good in fact that sometimes I get calls on it to find out I’ve won a free trip! I’ve been to Cabo, Ibiza, and Napanee, all within the last year! Despite the “goodness” of my current phone, it’s still nowhere near as cool as the RAZR.

Paid for by Motorola Telecommunications Inc. HelloMoto