On the Campaign Trail 10/15/2015


Conservatives to repeal bill C-51:

“We have never flip flopped on this issue, the issue has flip-flopped around us”
The conservatives have said if given a majority government they will repeal the controversial bill C-51. The bill will be replaced with bill C-52 a secrete bill the details of which can not be disclosed to anyone due to issues of national security. The MPs will not be able to read the bill while debating it in the house of commons. It is expected to agreed upon by the conservative party sheep, I mean MPs, despite the fact that none of them will know what it does.

Swing ridings have decided to settle down and embrace monogamy

“What can I say you can’t lead this kind of lifestyle forever” – Ahuntsic-Cartierville, QC
Finally embracing their old age, after more than a century of getting down with both sides several key ridings have settled down and tied the knot with just one political party ‘till death or social changes do them part.

Real Stephen Harper Found:

“Will the real Stephen Harper please stand up? Why Yes, Yes I can.” – The real Stephen Harper
The real Stephen Harper has been found today locked in a basement room in the conservative party office. He was found and rescued by a staffer who has since found his way under an Ottawa bus. Stephen Harper said that he has been locked in that room for 2 years and is “a little upset no one noticed”. The general public was surprised to find out that the Stephen Harper running the campaign was actually a robot and no one noticed. “ I guess the robot was cold and heartless but I guess that is why it was so hard to see the switch” said John Baird. The conservative party has been quick to apologize and get Stephen Harper back on tour, we think.

Liberal NDP coalition plan government

“We’re getting the band back together!” -excited lead guitarist Justin Trudeau
In a secret meeting held in Thomas Mulcair’s fortress of solitude the Liberals and NDP have laid out the ground rules for a coalition government. 
The Liberals will:

  • Support the decision to not sign the TPP
  • Not appoint an official “Minister of Trudeau Hair Care” 
  • Not show up to work “too high”
  • Host the Christmas rager in Trudeau’s vacation home/ growop 

NDP will:

  • Agree to legalize and tax marijuana
  • Allow Justin Trudeau to open his mouth so long as he doesn’t mention the NDP
  • Agree not to give the red army the order to invade all of Canada, just Alberta, to start…
  • Host the annual caucus orgy in Mulcair’s underground commune

Tom Mulcair surprised to discover election is only in 4 days

Green party canvasser shocked:
“Literally and yes, stop giggling, I do see the pun” -unimpressed Green Party Canvasser
In an unfortunate event, Richard Powell was electrocuted by a rigged doorbell while canvassing for the Green Party. The event occurred in Fort McMurray, an area that has not been super welcoming of the Green Party’s platform: if this surprises you, this newspaper would advise you to google “oil”. Another canvasser who wishes to remain anonymous said “it is like they don’t care about the Earth or anything man….(incomprehensible hippie talk)… I just like…. don’t get it.” No word yet on if criminal charges will be filed against the homeowner though much of the town is on her side. “She is just trying to be left alone from those crazy hippies” said one man driving a monster truck around town. 

Poll Rankings: Liberals up by 1.9%

“The only place we ever go down is in the bedroom… Ladies” – Justin Trudeau
As everyone apparently forgot about the NDP the race is coming to a close with 33.5% in favour of Liberals, 31.6% for Conservatives and a meagre 24.2% for the NDP according to the latest Nanos poll. 

NDP unleashes ultimate weapon:
“After combining modern science with the arcane magic of a-migrating-to-centre liberal ideology, we will soon be unstoppable!” -Darth Mulcarius
The research and development branch of the NDP’s military division has come up with a new product. Codenamed “agent orange” the substance causes conservative votes to become ill and miss voting. It works by entering the bloodstream through inhalation. The product then goes into the brain where it causes mass dizziness. The chemical is only removed with ideas of social justice and other left wing bullshit. In trials NDP voters were fine in 15 minutes, liberals in 25 minutes, conservatives in 1 day and libertarians taking up to a week to recover. 
Stephen Harper “Weirdly hooked on Bluegrass right now”

“How can you not love Steely Dan”- PM

Stephen Harper’s Mom Still Unconvinced Her Son Hasn’t Done Pot

“He’s always out late “drafting bills that restrict privacy and hinder non-conservative voters” but I think he’s just sneaking out to smoke dank shit” – Mrs. Harper, 94
Mr. Harper has been trying to shake his mother off his trail for years now, but it culminated with national attention when he said that “Marijuana is infinitely worse for you than tobacco”. For context he was talking about health and not comparative ability to make you giggle like an idiot for a few hours at a time. Citing links to mental health in a small fraction of the population as justification for , Mr. Harper spent the past week being berated by the media and people on Twitter about the 2.5 million people who die annually from alcohol and simultaneously by his mother for his feeble attempt to diguise his weed obsession.