Wayne Gretzky got so drunk last week, he vouched for the Conservatives.
“Sometimes when you party too hard you pass out in your own bed, sometimes you leave your ex three voicemails, but then there are other times you show up to a campaign event for the party that took away your right to vote”- The Great One
The legendary hockey player has a lot of regrets, playing for the St. Louis Blues, coaching the Pheonix Coyotes, and never realising his dream as a Korean pop star, but the results of one drunken night at a Conservative campaign event has completely floored him. As an expat (a Canadian living abroad), Wayne Gretzky is unable to vote in Canadian elections under new voting rules introduced by Conservatives earlier this year. This has been met with criticism as nearly 1.4 million Canadian citizens living abroad are rendered unable to vote, with the legal justification being “no reason at all”. The bill was unsuccessfully challenged as unconstitutional before the Ontario Supreme Court.
However even in light of this recent revelation, Mr. Gretzky still tweeted. After a whirlwind night of partying, drinking and being the greatest hockey player alive, Number 99 inexplicably wound up at a Conservative campaign event in Toronto, calling Mr. Harper “an unreal prime minister”, evidently so plastered that he was completely unaware that despite being a Canadian icon, he was legally unable to exercise his democratic right to vote.
NDP, Liberals, Conservatives still in a statistical tie for Canadian Election.
Canadian Election in a statistical tie with celebrity twitter pages, Late Night Infomercials for Canadians’ attention
With the top three parties averaging about 30% of popular support according to a recent Nanos poll, no one seems to be giving any ground. This election could go to anyone folks. In related news, in the battle for the national attention span, new reports by the Queen’s Faculty of Polling show that the Canadian Election (19%) is caught in a statistical tie with Kim Kardashian’s Twitter page (21%) and old Slap-Chop infomercials (20%) while rewatching Friends on Netflix (39.62%) was dominating, ironically with enough votes to become a majority Canadian Government.
Mulcair to be replaced by hologram of Jack Layton as NDP leader
“Hey, if it’s good enough for dead artists at music festivals, it’s good enough for the NDP”
Trying to rival the star power that the Liberals have been putting out, with support from past prime ministers Paul Martin and Jean Chretien the NDP have called up their big guns at their latest press conference, by getting the late Jack Layton to stand up and lay down a rap battle. A previously dull and routine NDP rally exploded when the holographic Mr. Layton laid down the opening beats to Minimum Wage Against the Machine’s “99 Problems (but Our Economic Outlook Ain’t One)”
Foreskin Pride proves to be the biggest benefactor for the Conservatives
“Harper’s hair is representative of our cause, as it looks like an uncircumcised penis. We don’t even know any of the party’s platform, we just support the fact the guy looks like a dick-person.” – Foreskin Pride representative
Justin Trudeau declares Golden Words official Canadian Newspaper
“for too long Canadians have had to get news from the large biased media giants controlled by the 1%. We will end this by having Canadian News reported through a bunch of students in exchange for pizza” – JT
In what is being called a major step forward (by us) Justin Trudeau has declared if elected Golden words will be a Canada wide newspaper. The newspaper will be expanded to include more world class reporting about subjects from across the country. There will be 3 publications a week on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
All of us at Golden Words are excited for this possibility as we may actually get some fucking funding; we’re still a little bitter about that guys.
Mark Garretson Announces Queen’s Tunnel to West
“the frosh of west campus are costing the city of kingston too much by getting injured by wolves trying to walk home. To combat this problem if elected I will get funding to create a heated tunnel running from west to main campus”
The former Kingston mayor cited the fact that admissions to KGH are up this year with the main increase coming from wolf bites from frosh trying to walk to west campus. This is putting increased strain on KGH which is already strained from the normal student drinking relating injuries. The plan to keep frosh safe from the wolves is expected to cost 10 million but with the current rate of wolf attacks it should pay for itself in 3 years from the reduced medical expenses. In the meantime the university is warning the students not to walk to west at night and instead take the west campus bus.
At press time, sources reported that the wolves were actually wealthy Kingstonians who wanted the dumb frosh to stop dropping their beer bottles and roaches on their lawns.
Daniel Beals Wants to improve Town-Gown Relations by Reenacting Prohibition
“the sale of alcohol in this city is the root of all problems with the student and townies.”
The Kingston NDP candidate is proposing major alcohol reform to the kingston area. The plan is to put a bill through the house of commons that would make it illegal to sell any alcohol within the city limits. Daniel confirmed the alcohol ban would apply to all establishments in the city and the on campus pubs and “nightclub”. The LCBO’s will be repurposed as head shops and recreational marijuana grow up facilities. This will result in decrease of alcohol related injuries at KGH and an increase in sales of doritos. The increased sales tax in kingston and lower costs at KGH should be able to fund all of the NDP social programs for the 20 years.
Immigration Minister Chris Alexander announces that Canadian Government will speed up application process
“What you people still care about this? Fine, but this is the last goddamn time” -Alexander as he announced a special coordinator for Syrian Refugees
Mr. Alexander announced to the world that the government would be considering immigrants from Syria (the world’s largest humanitarian crisis according to the U.N. Security Council) would “be automatically considered refugees or whatever.”
In a press conference yesterday at his Ottawa home Mr. Alexander repeated promises to streamline the immigration process from specific areas in the middle east in between mouthfuls of popcorn whilst watching a regularly scheduled episode of Gilmore Girls. The minister spent the latter part of the conference signing orders with one hand, while shovelling what he described later as “delicious oven cooked popcorn, none of that microwave crap” with his other hand.