On The Campaign Trail: September 16, 2015


Elizabeth May considered funding “research to create unicorns” while drafting her new budget
“Honestly I’m just saying whatever it takes to remind people I’m in the election”
    The Green Party has unveiled a formal budget to address how they would run the country, which just solved everybody’s problems. Promising free tuition, legalizing marijuana, raising corporate taxes by 4%, establishing a carbon tax rate, repealing bill C-51, protecting our shores, and a free Tims gift card for every man, woman and Canadian child. Pretty much a dream budget for every bleeding-heart liberal in the land, plus presumably someone said “fuck it, let’s run a surplus, why not!” The Green Party hopes this bold move will carry them to a whopping 3-seat franchise record. 
Mulcair announces $1.8 billion health care plan: Personal slave for every retiree
“What, shit – these people can and regularly do vote?! Shit why have we been targeting liberal students this whole time”
    The NDP are back with some hard hitting and morally bankrupt economic policies designed to win back seniors who may have drifted to other parties and/or a long dark sleep for eternity. Tom Mulcair, who reportedly just finished spitting out a mouthful of coffee in surprise, discovering that seniors voted “a whole bunch” according to Statistics Canada. Mulcair added further planks to his economic package including free Viagra to residents, and Canada Post to continue door-to-door mail service as well as door-to-door denture cleaning.
Former Municipal Politicians Running for MP Hoping People Will Just Forget Their Transgressions
“Hey, we all make mistakes when you’re in such a small pond. Let’s just hope things pan out at the Federal level”
Former Toronto police Chief and Liberal Candidate Bill Blair said “was it under my command that a thousand people were arrested and hundreds more tear-gassed during the G20 summit? Sure – but whatever but that was like 5 years ago. Would a Liberal MP and potential Justice Minister do that? I dunno, maybe – who knows! The point is that people can change. Have I? Well you’ll just have to…that’s not important right now.”
    “How would I describe my mayoral tenure? Not Good.” says Liberal MP and former shitty Kingston mayor Mark Garretsen, “But I’m hoping that the new red Liberal sign with a picture of my smiling face will erase everyone’s misgivings about me… Hmm, what’s that? No, I’m not planning to advertise to students.”
    Are we saying that there’s a trend of disgraced municipal politicians being recruited onto Trudeau’s team? These are just the facts – you connect the dots here. 
Liberals promise hookers and blow to any NDP supporters willing to meet behind campaign headquarters
“Mulcair responds with blackjack weekends in Montreal as the parties try to fight for undecided left-wing voters by any means necessary”
     As election day is only one month and three days away, any voters trying to vote for whomever they think will beat Stephen Harper will be in a tight moral quandary as both “left-wing” parties offer luxurious vacation packages to whoever backs them in the upcoming race. They are at a statistical tie: NDP are at 30.1 and  Liberals: 31.7 according to Saturday poll by Nanos Research. 
Harper Just Doing This Politics Thing Until His Band Takes Off
“It’s like an indie-pop meets art-funk kind of thing, but with some post-punk influences”
Noting that although “being at the apex of of power of one of the world’s largest economies was pretty cool, I guess” Prime Minister Stephen Harper admitted to press and party faithful last week that politics has always kind of taken a backseat to his musical ambitions with his band, Harper Better Faster Stronger.
Formed back when the 22nd Prime Minister and lead singer/keyboardist was still “kickin around the Calgary scene in the late 90s”, Harper Better Faster Stronger’s songs have evolved along with Harper’s political career. “Back in the day we were kind of rooted in basic, 12-bar bar rock jams, but I think once the PCs and Alliance merged in 2004 we really started looking inward and exploring musical directions from all over the place – a little bit of dub, a little bit electronica – whatever” added the leader. “And of course we had our coke phase. God, we were a mess” he said with a chuckle. 
So far, the group has released 7 studio albums since their 1996 formation, including their debut EP West Wants In (1999), (You Gotta) Fight For Your Right Wing Party (2002), Untie the Right (2004), and the introspective and “dark” Re-assession (2008). Despite this, the group has remained relatively underground. During the 2011 campaign, as Jack Layton’s NDP began to gather steam, the band released what many fans consider to be a desperate attempt to get a major radio hit, with their pop-flavoured single “Cabinet Shuffle”. At press time, the most powerful man in Canada had cancelled the day’s campaign events and gathered the band in the basement of 24 Sussex to “tighten up the set, especially at the end of “G20 (It’s a Riot).”
Who’s Attacking Us Now: the Economist thinks we haven’t been a good global partner
    Some dipshit who probably gets paid a six-figure salary (and has a small penis; man or woman) from the Economist called us out on some “facts” or some other bullshit. Just throwing shade about our aid budget shrinking 24% as a percentage of GDP under the Harper Government and that it wasn’t even just a Conservative thing, it’s been going on since Jean Chretien and Brian Mulroney were in office. Apparently, according to a “professional writer” who writes for “an internationally respected publication” our national peacekeeper self-image is just phoning it in after what we did in Rwanda and Vietnam and we haven’t kept pace with other peacekeeping countries since. At GW, we think that doesn’t feel right, in our heart, so we’re ignoring it with our brains.
Green Party Promises to Bring Free Post-Secondary Education, Other Ridiculous Fantasies
May: “We’re committed to the bold, risky move of appealing to youth”
Speaking from her podium in what appears to be the land of make believe, Green Party Leader Elizabeth May outlined her party’s full platform, which includes such absurd notions as tuition free university and college educations, and a pollution-free Canada. The 44-page document of nonsense pledges unrealistic and, frankly, straight-up wacky things like “Partner with First Nations for truly responsible resource development in the long-term public interest” and “Canada’s success depends on an educated population.” Like what’s next, Unicorns?
When asked about their position on this issue, Conservative leader Stephen Harper said “it’s as if she’s living in some sort of fantasy land, like Brazil, Germany or France – that doesn’t exist in the real world”, adding “the Conservative Party is taking a realistic approach this situation, believing that it is in the best interests of Canadian students to let the invisible hand of the market hand them down copious amounts of debt and bitch-slap them across the face.”