On october 19th, we elect a new King of the North and unless you plan on voting for Robb Stark, you’re not prepared to Votegasm 2015
NDP MP Unaware of Auschwitz Brings American-Style Ignorance to Canadian Politics
“I also thought Hotel Rwanda was just a fun sequel to Hotel for Dogs just set in Africa or America or Atlantis or one of those real places” – Alex Johnstone, public official
A 2008 Facebook post resurfaced of the NDP nominee making a penis joke about the electric fences of the notorious death camp. (Editorial Note:Yes that really happened) Alex Johnstone announced that the social media gaffe was actually a calculated political maneuver in an attempt to emulate the almost intentional style of ignorance typical of a portion of the GOP. Johnstone, noted for being of age to watch Schindler’s List when it came out, (she neglected to do so because she wasn’t interested about groceries), said in a statement “I’ve heard many complaints from the Jewish community, but after watching my idols in the GOP I’m ready to prove that Canada is ready for this kind of ignorance that has worked for years south of the border.” Johnstone’s personal representative said that since the incident she was polling far better in the “reclusive hermit” and “world history is against my religion” demographics.
At press time, when asked why the press conference was held on an Iroquois burial ground Johnstone responded “I don’t speak French”.
Justin Trudeau’s Hair Crosses the Floor
“For years I’ve endured the idiocy of the Liberal party, but now I must move back to the right” – Justin Trudeau’s Hair
In a stunning mid-election campaign move, Justin Trudeau’s Hair has switched to Conservative alignment, and will be running against Mr. Trudeau in his own riding.
Says Stephen Harper, “I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Justin is just not ready, but his hair is really nice.”
Justin Trudeau, now bald, said “Yeah, I guess we’re having a bad hair day. But we are fairly confident that
even without hair, I don’t look enough like Voldemort to lose to a literal pile of hair.”
We at Golden Words however disagree.
All parties pledge to completely gridlock the political system if there is a minority government
“If there’s one thing we all agree on, it’s that we will completely grind parliament to a halt purely out of spite.” Joint Statement by leaders
Once again, Trudeau and Mulcair took a moment during their respective campaigns to reiterate that the idea of the two ideologically-similar parties forming a coalition was “absolutely ridiculous” and “downright stupid.”
“If the Conservatives form a minority government, we at the NDP will not support it and look to any means possible to defeat it and take power” said The Bearded One. “Everything outside of actually being elected by the Canadian public that is.” Trudeau also told his party faithful that joining forces with the NDP would be a “terrible idea that would be bad for Canadians everywhere. The 10% of their platform that is different than ours would destroy the fabric of this nation as we know it.” At press time, Stephen Harper was planning to just sit back and “watch the fun.”
Young People Across the Country Really Jazzed About Bloc Quebecois, Bloc Quebecois Report Says
An internal study delivered to Bloc Quebecois headquarters under the Jacques Cartier Bridge in Montreal says that Canadian youths from coast to coast are “super pumped” and “stoked as fuck” about the party and their plans for an independent Quebec.
“Frankly, we’re not surprised” said leader Gilles Duceppe. “Young people have a desire to be independent, free from the constraints of their parent’s society but still with the security to, you know, still your currency and economic market. Just like Quebec.” The party has reportedly changed their slogan to “be rebellious!” and “#DontHateJustSeparate.”