On the Campaign Trail: September 9th, 2015


Conservative Party Shuts Down ILC Living Wall Cites “Lack of evidence”; plants complain of government muzzling 
At a campaign stop in Kingston, Prime Minister and Conservative Leader Stephen Harper stood in front of the now 100% pure drywall in the ILC that previously supported an ecosystem of plant life and unrelenting Engineering egos, announcing that his government’s decision to shut down the wall was in “the best interest of the Canadian economy.”
In what is being referred to as the ‘Alberta Strategy’, the Tories have been running on a campaign of destroying ecology for perceived economic gain. “For years, reckless Liberal spending has resulted in wasted funds on vanity projects such as protecting the health of the planet and the wellbeing of future generations” added Harper. The new wall is expected to be painted in a Conservative Party logo, as its bland, faceless visage “perfectly represents the modern Conservative Party” said party spokesman Fred Dwyer. At press time, an elderly Tory supporter was calling the press “little shits who should mind their own damn business.”
Liberals Disappointed Most Notable Supporters are StonersLike, we’re all for legalization, but get a life people!” – Trudeau
As a haze of familiar smoke wafted over the room at Toronto’s prestigious Granite Club conference room, Justin Trudeau told the party faithful that “the Liberal party guarantees to legalize marijuana for recreational use once we are elected in Ottawa. That being said, we do have a lot of other policies in our platform that you guys should really take a look at.”
The Liberals – once the dominant federal party throughout the 20th century – are looking to win their first election since 2004, are worried that the majority of their base now consists of the kind of people who wear “legalize it” t-shirts and whose last brush with democracy was voting for the newest flavour of MTN DEW. “Frankly, it’s troubling when the most vocal supporters of our party right now are notorious for never getting around to cleaning their apartment, never mind going out and voting on October 19th. Just thank God this isn’t happening on April 20th.” When asked if they were willing to accept a broad, multi-faceted Liberal platform, supporters told Golden Words that they’re “just not ready.”
NDP Just Trying To “Ride This Crazy Train As Long As It Lasts” Mulcair “Honestly we have no idea how we got here either”
Admitting that “basically, this is some fucking uncharted territory for all of us here”, NDP leader Thomas Mulcair told an orange-clad mob of supporters that “this party train is speeding down the track and we just got to make the best of it before it runs off a cliff.”
“Was that a metaphor? Are we on an ACTUAL train right now? Fuck if I know, man, I just did a bunch of coke in the back room there and I’m on a one way ticket to Mars, bruh” added the sweating, hyped-up opposition leader. Supporters of the long-struggling party that now tops opinion polls across the country remain cautiously optimistic. “I’m so proud of everything the party and Tom have accomplished and it’s time to bring change to Ottawa” said supporter Mary Givens. “That being said, it’s super fucking weird being on top and you gotta think there’s gonna be a sex-scandal or some other horrible revelation coming along soon.”
Witnesses have reported that, while out on the hustings, the ‘hard partying’ Mulcair has repeatedly been speaking to visions of late former-leader Jack Layton, who told the current leader “For the love of God Tom, just don’t stop! This could fall apart at any second, just keep it together one more month!” However, many staffers within the campaign have said that Mulcair continues to live recklessly and “with an air of invincibility.” One aide reported “When we had a photo op at a lumber mill in New Brunswick, Tom grabbed a two-by-four and broke it over his head and yelling ‘9/11 was an inside job!’” At press time, Mulcair stuck his head out of the tour bus window screaming “nothing can stop us now, motherfuckers!”
Greens, Bloc Quebecois to Form Unholy Alliance of Irrelevance New Platform Promises a Sovereign, Carbon-neutral Quebec
Green Party leader Elizabeth May and Bloc Quebecois leader/francophone Count Chocula lookalike Gilles Duceppe told the press and a few hangers on in a dank Montreal church basement that they were uniting their parties together in a last ditch attempt to try and get some support. “In the latest opinion polls, we held 6% and 4% of the vote respectively. Now that we’ve joined forces, we can reach 10% support and then…well that would be nice, wouldn’t it” said a sad, tired May to the”crowd”. “Like c’mon guys, don’t you at least care about the Earth?” 
“OR A FREE QUEBEC?!?!?!” butted in Duceppe with an enthusiasm shared by no one. As they left the stage Duceppe accidently knocked over three cardboard cutouts that were running as candidates.