One man. One Journey. One Bar.


The term hero is loosely thrown around. It seems everyone who achieves a task remotely difficult is ogled like a modern day Hercules. I, however, was fortunate enough to meet a true hero. A man with unparalleled strength, resilience, and stamina. A man willing to risk his sanity in order to achieve greatness. A man determined to receive a hand job in the concrete canoe in Ellis Hall to get the bar ‘tugboat’. This hero is Joseph McCleery (Sci’ 15).  

McCleery may seem like an ordinary person at first glance, but he is far from it. Two years ago, he postponed his degree to move to the mountains of Cambodia to train with the monks. “I knew I needed the ability to endure emotional and physical pain,” he said in a recent press conference. “There was nothing more awkward and painful than busting some knuckle children in my 9th grade bed, watching Boy Meets World to avoid the inevitable awkward eye contact with my girlfriend. I knew I needed to overcome this.”

Hand Jibbys, which were the third most common form of torture in medieval Botswana, require years of training to endure. McCleery learned this the hard way. “There were times when I wanted to give up. Where I wondered if blood, sweat and tears I put into enduring hand to gland combat was worth it,” McCleery whispered through sobs. “I just had to know that it would be worth it in the end.”

After completing his training, McCleery returned to Kingston in January 2014. He knew he was ready to take on the daunting task, but found himself missing a partner. “I couldn’t find anyone. I posted in Kijiji and would approach people on the street, hoping they would give honour me by completing the momentous feat with me” reported McCleery. He was about to lose all hope, until he saw an ad in the Queen’s Journal he was using as toilet paper for Sunday Funday at The Spot. “I knew I could find a girl void of all moral to give me tugboat,” he stated.

On Monday January 20th at 3:41 AM, McCleery achieved a feat once thought impossible with the help of Sally Johnson (DEVs ’16) whom he met at The Spot. “Never has something so painful felt so amazing” McCleery reported. “All my sacrifice has been justified.” When asked about her contribution shortly after the accomplishment, Johnson reported “Aghh that was the ugliest penis I’ve ever seen.”

After the press conference, McCleery thanked his family and friends for the constant inspiration or support. When asked about his future plans, McCleery hinted that he was already in training to get the rowboat bar for his GPA, which he stated “is exactly what it sounds like.”