On Thursday night, Ontario fetched itself a new political leader, with the election of Progressive Conservative leader Dog Ford. At 10:30pm, Dog Ford came on stage to address the rabid audience: “It’s woof-ficial!” he said, “The Conservatives are back to once again make Ontario great!” The crowd barked back slogans like “#MOGA” and “lock her up”, which are known to be classic dog-whistles to the alt-right.
The Conservatives won 76 out the available 124 seats, handing them a majority government. When asked what Dog Ford’s priorities would be, party spokesperson Spots outlined a prosperous future for the province. “The first order of business for the Ford government will be to fire the 25-Million Dollar Man!”
While it was unclear who Spots was referring to initially, further research indicated that he was referencing Robert Moran, CEO of PetSmart, who was paid roughly $25.2M in total compensation in 2017. It was not immediately clear how this would improve the fiscal health of Ontario.
Spots also outlined Dog Ford’s plan to scrap the carbon tax, under the pretenses that “it’s costing dogs too much money just to take an honest shit on the lawn”, and to open up development of the Greenbelt to become the world’s largest dog park. It should be noted that Ontario does not currently have a carbon tax and instead uses a cap-and-trade system, but dog brains are one-tenth the size of the human brain, so we’ll let that one slide.
In Andrea Horcath’s riding of Ham-meow-ilton, the disappointed crowd listened intently as she gave her concession speech: “In this campaign, we aimed for purr-fection, but I’d be fe-lyin if I told you that we came close!” prompting a sea of sad hisses from the audience, which if you weren’t following, was all cats. The NDP did however secure the title of Official Opposition, meaning they will continue the time-honoured rivalry between canines and felines which most recently occured under Catleen Wynne’s Liberals.
Surprisingly, Mike Schreiner, the leader of the Green Party, was elected to his seat in Guelph, a first for the party. However, it wasn’t all sunshine for Schreiner when reached for comment: “The Green Party is literally the only party not made up of common household pets, and we could only muster one seat. Really? What does a Yorkshire Terrier have that I don’t?” The answer Mike, is cute fur, stubby little legs, and fierce loyalty to human owners.
Over the next few months, The Conservatives have lots of work to do. With more than a quarter of PC candidates embroiled in scandals, lawsuits, and accusations of misconduct, we asked Dog Ford if political corruption would ever disappear from Ontario politics. “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” he responded as he took an honest shit on a lawn.