In an experimental decision, the University announced on Monday that open course enrollment selection will be moving from Solus to natural selection.
When asked exactly what natural selection meant, Principal Daniel Woolf said “Instead of enrolling into courses from the convenience of a computer, we pit students against one another in a gladiator-like fight. When they successfully kill their opponent and take a bite into their liver, only then will they get a placement.
When asked where he got the idea, Woolf explained that he got the idea for this from a very kinky dream. “Oh, it was wild. I wearing the skull of one of the students as a mask and there was a ton of leather. I never would have thought that the answer to our Solus and overpopulation problem could be so sexually exciting.”
The decision was made in effort to both relieve the stress off the University’s IT servers and lower student enrollment. Historically, the SOLUS servers become overloaded as soon as open enrollment became available — leaving many students unable to enroll in electives.
To combat the inefficiency, the University designated an underground sewer where the natural selection will take place. Woolf explained that the sewer can hold up to 300 students. “I’m just taking a guess. Don’t included that in the article.”
Other rejected solutions were updating the server, allowing students to sign away the rights for their first born children or a RuPaul’s Drag Race competition.
The decision has been met from a mixed reception from the student body. Darren Reed, a second year computing student, told the Golden Words that he’s apprehensive of the new course selection model.
“I mean, I’d prefer to not have to eat the small intestines of another student but if that’s going to be the thing that gets me into Ancient Humour, so be it,” Reed said.
Natural selection is causing rifts between departments, notably between the departments of biology and religion. The department of biology enthusiastically praised the course selection model and said that it’ll ensure that only the fittest students will make the cut.
The department of religion retaliated by sending the chair of the biology department an email saying, “EVOLUTION IS JUST A THEORY WE ARE THE PRODUCT OF AN INTELLIGENT DESIGN.” The department of biology reportedly replied to the email with an ape flipping the bird.
Despite the mixed reaction from faculty and students, but all can agree that eating the raw liver of a murdered student in an underground sewer is less painful than having to go through Solus for course selection.