Opinion: All Older Generations are Pussies


“Oh you kids will never have as much fun as we did back in the old days” is a sentence you’ve probably heard someone over the age of thirty say to you. It might also be accompanied by a statement such as “millennials are the worst generation” or “kids today are so soft because they were raised to be so entitled and scared of the outside world.” These are common complaints. Well I just want to use my position as a white, heterosexual, university-educated male to raise my voice and give my input here: those people are full of shit. 
It’s kind of a common fact that the hippies of the late sixties set the standard for getting fucked up and living alternative lifestyles. Bitch, please! What did they do? Grew their hair out? Smoked a little bit of weed that was like, what, 5% THC? Oooooohhh, watch out, we got some real badassess over here. Having sex before marriage? Jesus Christ, Grandpa, someone call the cops. The only thing the hippies did that could not be outdone by a young adult in 2015 was not shower and live in communes. That’s just unhygienic, maaaaaannnnn. That’s not moving society into a bold new future of tolerance and happiness – that’s dragging it back to the fifteenth century. 
Another big one is whenever alumni from the 80s and 90s come back and tell you about all the fucked up shit they used to do, usually in the very ghetto house you live in now and apparently “hasn’t changed at all” in 30 years. And sure, they got up to some pretty intense shit. But you know what they ingested to get to that level of fuckery? Beer. Maybe whiskey. That’s all, folks. There’s a reason why in 1989 when Golden Words staff stole the greasepole, they ransomed it back to the frosh for 100 cases of beer: that was the best thing they could think of. If Golden Words were to pull such a stunt today, I guarantee we would want something a little better than fucking beer in return. 
You know what we do with beer now, class of 1985? We shoot it straight up our ass. Then we shove some weed into our vaginas, pop in some molly, mushrooms and caffeine pills, rock til 6am on music that could not even have been physically created back in your day, then sleep all the next day, catching up on school without even going to class because all that shit is online. The internet. Something that like 10 people had back in your day, you ancient piece of shit. So didn’t tell us that millennials aren’t good enough for anything because, at the end of the day, when we finally get out of school and have to pay off so much student debt that we take jobs in fields we are overqualified for due to the fact that there aren’t enough jobs because your stupid generation built up so much debt on the very materialistic things that you were supposed to be against and therefore have to stay in your jobs long past the age of retirement and have set up a system more exclusive than the one you inherited that we’ve become the first wildly overeducated generation in history, we still get out there and party harder than you ever fucking imagined because maybe we’re searching for a brief moment of escape from lives that will be shorter, poorer and less opportunistic than yours. 
In conclusion, suck our collective fucking dicks Gen X and Baby Boomers.