Oscars Approach, Leonardo DiCaprio Denies Being Nervous


In what has become a yearly source of anxiety for Leonardo Dicaprio, the Oscar season is finally approaching. After five nominations by the Academy spanning a decade of critically acclaimed performances Leo has dared to get his hopes up yet again that he will finally seize the Oscar for portraying Hugh Glass in the Revenant. 
In a press statement, Mr. DiCaprio announced “I am eagerly awaiting the Academy’s decision, and am excited to see who is honoured in February. I’m not nervous at all.” He then accidently knocked over a glass of water on the stand and proceeded to have a fifteen minute nervous freakout punctuated by shouts such as “DAMMIT LEO THIS IS WHY YOU LOST IN DJANGO!”, “YOU’RE FUCKING OVERACTING!” and crying randomly interspersed with sobbed “washed up”s, “hasbeen”s, and “Romeo+Juliet”s.
    A spokesman for the Academy, speaking under confidence that he would not be referred to as Matthew McConnaughey, was, shall we say, amused by DiCaprio’s anxiety. “I mean, at this point it’s more of a joke really. It’s like the universe is just having a chuckle at old DiCaps. I mean isn’t the universe really laughing at all of us unless you have truly entered the mind temple of Mother Earth, in your heart I mean.” When asked about his own odds of taking home the big prize from the 88th Academy Awards, our anonymous source said he was feeling “alright, alright alright” about his chances.
    The award shows host, Chris Rock, had few words of encouragement for Leo as well. “I mean I feel for the guy, but if I’m being honest I find it very hard to feel sorry for a white guy not winning Oscars. I actually find hosting this to be a little ironic but it sure beats stand up money I’ll tell you that.”
    National oddsmakers had put the chances of Leo being nominated at 100%, while conceding that him actually winning the Oscar was statistically impossible, with odds placed at 1 to 1000. 
At press time it was announced that the only nomination for the Revenant would be the Grizzly Bear featured in the film, given the nod for Best Supporting Stage Animal. Meanwhile, Leo was reportedly last seen on his yacht in Italy wiping away his tears with thousand dollar bills.