If you haven’t heard, Ontario Premier Fug Dord dropped university tuition by 10% this week, which to a robot with no sense of context or emotional intelligence probably sounds like a good thing. But in reality the tuition drop came into effect with other cuts. Specifically, that low income families won’t receive fully covered tuition and that the amount students receive from OSAP will change, probably for worst. Now I don’t really know who that helps except for maybe Veronica Lodge, but she lives in Riverdale and not Canada so I’m out of options.
Interestingly enough, Mug Bored also cut a lot of other things and no one seems to be reporting on them. Here they are:
The Number of Children in Orphanages
Wow what a cruel decision. Coming into effect this September, all orphanages in Ontario are required to, and I’m quoting here from an official government document, “cut the number of children in half… by any means necessary…”. Yup we’ve gone off the deep-end. Who puts sketchy ellipses in an official document?? And really, ‘by any means necessary’? Is Edgar Allan Poe writing Ontario documents? Even weirder is that the fact that the Ontario government made a huge acquisition of, and again I’m quoting from a government document, “massive Japanese tuna knives approximately the length of a child-sized tuna”. I’d be extremely worried about the almost too specific length description of those knives if I weren’t privy to the knowledge that the Ontario government is hosting ‘Omakase Nights’ at orphanages around Toronto next month. Whew.
The Number of Veterinary Hospitals, Specifically Ones that Treat Cute Puppies
Okay this one just straight up seems like it was made to upset people. Starting in October, all vet clinics in Ontario are required to, “openly refuse treatment to any puppies. The cuter the puppy the meaner the vet must be”. Considering Dug has over 17 cats in his dwelling this law shouldn’t come as a surprise. Fjord has been a vehement supporter for crazy cat people for over 10 years. In his brother’s infamous crack video, Plug can be seen just out of frame selling cats to older women wearing knit sweaters and telling them ‘don’t worry, in five years they’ll be the only things roaming the streets’. As Rob lights the crack pipe, a vague hissing sound can be heard that sounds like it came from a grown man. Honestly I find that more disturbing than smoking crack.
The Number of Fun Artisan Coffee Shops
There’s not much a mystery to this one. In a press conference last week, while sipping on a Tall Caramel Macchiato with the word ‘SPONSORED’ written where the name is supposed to go, Nug announced he would be shutting down half of all artisanal coffee shops and replacing them with Starbucks. Now where am I supposed to go to read Norwegian Wood and listen to Halsey? Oh I can do that in a Starbucks?
Maybe these cuts aren’t too bad.