Twirling their mustaches and stroking a white cat, the board members of real estate developer Patry Inc announced in a press conference that they will try “really really hard” not to burn their second attempt at 663 Princess Street to the ground in 2015. “Look, everyone makes mistakes, has those moments when they hire a shady contractor who builds a 21st century building out of wood,” said President Michael Lafferty, “so we figured the public would forgive us and hold us to a ‘3 strikes’ rule or something.”
The fire that occurred on Dec 17, 2013 during the company’s first construction attempt may have left a sour taste in the mind of prospective tenants, though this has not discouraged Patry Inc from rebuilding and spreading the word about the residence around town. “C’mon guys, there’s a pool and everything!” said VP of Marketing Vincent Portizzelli. “And like, it’s far away, but Starbucks guys!” Notably, an advertising campaign last year had to be pulled after promising “The Hottest Suites in Town!” in what Portizzelli retroactively said was an attempt at irony. “Once you get the hipster crowd in, NOP can become the new Portland,” he went on to add.
The company vowed to not to let 2015 “go down in flames” by making some design compromises, such as removing the planned propane tanks in every apartment. “Sadly, though our tenants can no longer enjoy the ultimate privilege of barbecuing indoors, we feel it is the best interests of safety to not turn Princess and Victoria into a warzone” Lafferty said.
Patry Inc’s website continues to read that it is “family owned and bring years of property development and management experience to the table. The high standards, attention to detail, and commitment to tenants is what elevates Patry Inc above the rest.” Not only should that irk English majors for being grammatically incorrect in that last sentence, but it also curiously avoids the mention of their projects bursting into a hellish inferno in the last two years. Many Queen’s students such as Eric Seisman, Arts 16, says that this information is valuable to potential renters and “I wouldn’t want a propane-based explosion to come out of nowhere. I would prefer a prior warning, so I can take appropriate measure like informing my loved ones.”
At press time, 663 Princess was still standing, but Satan was reportedly watching from a distance, muttering “soon”.