The world is a frightening place, and there’s a lot to be nervous about. ISIS (the non-Archer, scary shooty kind), aneurysms (you could literally drop dead before you finish this shitty article), and whether or not your Hot Pocket is going to be too hot when you bite into it. Serious stuff. But the thing to be most nervous about is people. We kind of suck sometimes, and you just can’t trust us. We might seem like just a friendly guy complimenting you on your shoes, and the next thing you know, we’ve taken all your money, and your kidney, and we’ve taken the shoes too; I should have never gone into that Jamba Juice.
At the end of the day it’s really just too hard to tell the good ones from the kidney-snatchers by yourself. So here are some red flags for you. A bunch of seemingly innocuous behaviours that could signal potential madness; a list of people you shouldn’t trust. If you see anyone doing any of these, run. They are not to be trusted.
People who wear button-down shirts with backwards baseball caps.
That guy’s probably a dick.
Anyone who falls asleep on public transit.
You’re going to wake up without shoes on, and someone will take them. That’s going to happen.
People who regularly have cereal without milk.
Enjoy the desert that will be your mouth.
Anyone who works for Queen’s Physical Plant Services.
They are everywhere, and let’s be honest, there’s pretty limited foliage on campus. Very little plants to service, be they “physical” or theoretical.
People who wear a jersey to a game where that team isn’t playing.
You’re bad and also not good.
People who say “don’t quote me on that.”
Who’s quoting this guy?
Anyone who wears sweatpants to a party.
Are they really that comfortable? And why does it seem like you’re just always looking for a place to sit down?
Anyone who prefers a bagel untoasted.
These people are monsters.
People who get a nosebleed more than once a week.
Don’t trust this guy. Also, probably don’t drink the water at his house.
Anyone who eats Neapolitan ice cream.
Sort of the Switzerland of ice-creams. Pick a side.
Anyone who goes to McDonald’s and orders a double filet-o-fish… Just the sandwich.
Equally untrustworthy, the customer who orders the Santa Fe Signature McWrap. Who are these menu items for? People who hate their bodies and their taste buds?
Anyone named Jeff who spells it Geoff.
Who are you trying to fool, Jeff?
Adults wearing crocs.
This one is almost as bad as the Geoff thing.