Personal Impersonals

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Noah,

Stop stealing my girl.

          Everyone


Whoever started Frost Week,

I hate you.

          Andrew


Whoever started Frost Week,

Thanks for proving me right.

          Charles Darwin


Hattie,

Stop eating all the pineapple! When I order a Hawaiian pizza, I expect it to contain at least 7 pieces of pineapple. Instead what do I get? Pizza with 7 little pineapple-wedge shaped holes in the cheese. And stop giving me that bullshit about the locust infestation eating Hawaii’s pineapple crop this year. They totally grow pineapples in Costa Rica too and they don’t have locusts! I expect 1 fresh Costa Rican pineapple next week as payment.

          Isaac


Loretta,

Though I’m just waking up now, I would like to thank you for the lovely evening at the cemetery. You truly opened my eyes to to the world of eyes permanently closed. Also, my condolences – your mother seemed like a great lady and will be missed.

          Pope Benedict XVI


                                                                                                                            

Bill Gates,

WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO WITH CLIPPY YOU MONSTER?! One second my Word doc was subject to the whims of this nosey little bastard, the next he was taken away without a trace – presumably in the dead of night by a group of thugs with baseball bats. Bring him back so I have something I can vent my frustrations and unresolved father issues with!

          Sam


Dylan Braam,

I’ve wanted to fuck you ever since we met… okay maybe slightly after I realized you’re not really creepy. Too bad you were kinda buying into the whole monogamish long-distance high school sweetheart deal with your wonderful girlfriend. Anyway, I like you a lot, and I think I’ll support you in anything you do, even if you run for AMS president. I’ll like, vote for you and shit. I miss you; it’s weird not having classes with you anymore.

          Hattie


Rahim from Rahim’s Cuisine,

I know this pie is a week old, but I’m eating it anyways. It still tastes vaguely like apples and I haven’t vomited yet. Keep up the good work!

          GW Staff


Pile of Poo Emjoi,

You have nice eyes and you’re very underrated.

          Surprised Monkey Emoji


The Politically Incorrect,

Seeking third candidate for AMS election team. Opening is VP OPS (negotiable). Last name starting with ‘B’ preferred. Serious offers only. Respond via Facebook or Snapchat.

          Dylan Braam


The Alma Mater Society,

Thanks for the student fees that let us make this paper. Without you we wouldn’t exist.

          GW Operations Manager


 

Guy from my high school,

I know it’s been a few years since I last talked to you. Well, I haven’t really seen you since our first year at Queen’s, when that day I saw you in the cafe, and I was like “Oh hey, you go here too? We’re like the only two people from our high school here! We should hang out sometime,” and you agreed. I never heard from you again. There were a few times that I’ve seen you for a few meters away walking to class or something, but I thought you might be avoiding me. Why are you avoiding me? I know high school has been a, well, negative memory for you…It’s been bad for me too. Let’s face it, our high school was shit. But you go to Queen’s, so you must be cool? Anyway, I guess what I want to say is, I just thought of you, and I really hope that we never meet again, because that’s just fucking awkward.

          Your old classmate

    


 

Best friend,

You’re never home because you’re always at your boyfriend’s. I know it’s your first relationship, and that’s exciting and all, but you have other people who love you and want to see you too! Our utilities bill was due two weeks ago, and you still haven’t paid me yet, and that makes me quite sad. Please come home soon, or else I’m going to steal your fuzzy blanket because the house is so cold without the money to pay for heating.

          Love, Jackie


Grandma,

I hope the air quality is okay in China. So, let me remind you again. I’m a Canadian citizen now, so I don’t care about how President Xi is going to make China beat the American’s ass. Also, my dad has actually been unemployed for the past three years, and mom is leaving him; he’s never told you because he doesn’t want you to worry. It’s okay, he’s going to go to Nova Scotia and be a farmer soon.

          Xiao Dan


Dean Woodhouse:

I’m actually a good person and a good engineering student. Please don’t judge me for having a sense of humour.

          GW Editor

 

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