Petition Urging You to Renounce Your Old Gods and Accept Me as The New Faith

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In a vast and gargantuan universe comprised of 100 billion galaxies and 8.7 billion species on Earth alone, who knew that the manifestation of the one true God would be a human living in Kingston, Ontario? Just think you may have passed by me on campus unaware that a celestial being was walking among plebes.

As The New Faith™, I strive to create more of a ~vibe~ than a by-the-book religion. I’m not just a God, I’m a cool God. No circumcision (seriously guys put away your dicks), no need to pray five times a day – hell, eat all the shellfish you want! All I humbly request is for your eternal, unquestioned worship. In the event of an interdimensional war, I would need to know that you’d be willing to sacrifice not only your punitive life but the lives of countless others as well as a myriad of natural resources.    

Often feel shafted and insignificant in the grand scheme of things? As though no one listens to you? As a result of my overbearing and needy personality, I’m extremely attentive! After a certain point, my love for you will begin to suffocate you. I will slowly wear you down into submission, just ask any relationship maintained in my life. You’ll begin to ask yourself questions like: why does she keep texting me? How does she know when I’m done classes? Why is she just staring at me?

Thanks to the immediacy of NSA patented technology, you can feel my presence everywhere. In that rock, in that tree, in your literal and metaphorical heart. I hear all and see all. No point deleting those texts Susan, I know what you did and you should feel bad.

As of now we’re a little strapped for cash, so we’ve been congregating behind the Giant Tiger on Princess. But we hope with the launch of our Kickstarter, we’ll see an influx of money that could go into desperately needed robes and mitres (the pointy hat that that hack Pope wears). Rewards for pledges range from small everyday miracles, to the complete and total absolution of your sins.

The end is imminent friends and statistically it’s best to keep your options open. Abandon all notions of divinity you hold and embrace me as your idol today. All are invited except you Susan, fuck you.

Surrender.

Surrender.

Surrender.

 

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