Throughout history, physicists have consistently been some of the smartest people to walk on this planet. I mean, Isaac Newton borderline created Calculus and how Experimental Physics is done today. But what if I told you his intelligence didn’t come from just being born smart and actually came from somewhere else… like his dick? Recent unclassified documents have shed some light on how much heat our favorite physicists are really working with. And like, since they all had large plumpers that must correlate to why they’re all so smart right?
There are many stories about Albert Einstein that have trickled into popular culture like how he observed the Bern clock tower to come up with special relativity, his shenanigans at Princeton and even how he got into a devil’s three-way with Marie Curie and Hendrik Lorentz. In reality, he owes his legendary threesome and his discovery of general relativity to one thing… his immense package. Einstein was very proud of what he was working with, but as the years went by he noticed something strange with his undercarriage. He observed that when he was 25, he had the penis of a 20 year-old and when he was 36 he had the penis of a 29 year old etc. Einstein started to wonder if his shaft’s mass had any effect on how it aged and after working on this problem for a couple of years, he came to the conclusion that time slows down closer to a massive object. This discovery came to be known as the Theory of General Relativity and Einstein correctly predicted that his cock and balls were so gargantuas that they warped the fabric of spacetime around them. Of course there is controversy over if Einstein or his then wife Mileva Maric made the discovery. Mileva was known around town to frequent Einstein’s nether regions and noticed the anti-aging effects before Einstein did, but he was the one to quantify it. Scholars argue about it even to this day. As if it were a trope of all physicists at this point, Albert’s death is of course attributed to his colossal underside. By the time he was 75, his penis was only 55 and still growing. But at this point it was so dense that not even light could escape it and it started to become dark, almost black, until in 1955 his pubic mound collapsed into a black hole and spaghettified him entirely (then radiated its mass away a la Hawking Radiation), he was 76. The government tried hiding this totally real fact from the masses in order to maintain Einstein’s public image, but Mileva’s personal journal and a large energy reading from Princeton on April 18, 1955 have finally showed the truth.
Feynman is commonly thought of as ‘the people’s’’ physicist’ due to his propensity to give public lectures and explain complex concepts to the masses. But the whole time he was actually hiding something even more massive in his pants. Known colloquially around Cornell University as ‘Thick Dick Rick’, he had a life similar to Dirk Diggler but instead of becoming a porn star in a fake movie, he became a Nobel Prize winning physicist in a real life. His partners would be weary to engage in intercourse due to his size, so he would create diagrams of how the sexual proceedings would proceed. Eventually he realized that the diagrams could be used to explain not only interactions between a P and a V, but also interactions between subatomic particles. These diagrams were pivotal in understanding fundamental occurrences in quantum electrodynamics, for which Feynman won a Nobel Prize in. Even in his acceptance speech he said, “… more than anything I want to thank Little Ricky, whose girth and dedication I owe everything to”. When Thick Dick Rick was in his final days, he got such a massive erection that all the blood in his body went down south and he died a shriveled prune-man, with a burstingly engorged cock.
Paul Dirac may be known for his advances in Quantum Physics, but this Nobel prizewinner’s prizewinning pecker was what he was really known for among his contemporaries. His close friends called him ‘Long Ball Paul’, a name he earned in the Cambridge locker rooms.The world’s first taste of Paul’s long balls was in his pivotal May 14, 1948 paper where he introduced ‘Bra-Ket notation’. On page 6 he wrote that ‘a ket, | >, is a representation of a quantum state and can be used to describe anything from the spin of an electron, |+>, to the size of a penis, 8===|~> ’. When word got of his prolific peanut, he would always show it at the end of his lectures in order to quell the skeptics and entice the ladies. While his deeply descended testicles helped him understand fundamental truths about the universe, they also brought his downfall. By the time he was in eighties, his nuts would hang past his knees and severely restricted his day-to-day life. One day in 1984 while going down the stairs of his Florida home, his gonads were so stretched out that his centre of mass shifted enough to let gravity apply a torque to him and he fell down the stairs.
If all the physicists on this list were blessed from birth, Max Planck was cursed from conception. His nub of a penis was so small, 0.000000000000000000000000000000000036 metres in fact, that sometimes it acted like a wave and other times it acted like a point mass and helped prove the theory of wave-particle duality. Planck also noticed that he had the smallest acorn dick that could possibly exist and coined the term ‘Planck Length’ to describe its length.
These are all real accounts of and are by no means to be taken lightly, after all why else would I go into physics? I want to be the next Neil Degrasse Tyson in more ways than one and I don’t think I need to explain how much girth he’s got.