Pick Up Lines for Awkward Times

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At Funerals

Everyone has been there: drunk, alone, kind of wanting to get with your best-friend’s widow(er). It’s not easy, but it gets better over time. So here are some great pick up lines to help you with the process:

“I can’t put you 6 feet under, but I can put under six inches in you.”

“How about you come sit shiva on my face?”

“I can put some of my embalming fluid in you.”

“ Looks like some rigor mortis there (points at coffin), looks like some rigor mortis here (points at dick).”

“See you at the wedding!” *winks*

“This wake is pretty rocking. I know something else that should be rocking!”

At Divorce Courts

So your friend’s hot parent is getting divorced. Super shitty, for him. Now is your time to strike. If it doesn’t work out with the parent, try one of their recently divorced friends!

“You and your partner may have split, but let me split you open.”

“Let me break your cherry, like I broke my vows.”

“They may have broke your heart, cheated with your recently legal neighbour, commented on your mother’s cooking, but I have slightly less horrible characteristics.”

“I am going to take you for all your worth by the legal ASS-ets”

“I’ll be a strong male presence in your child.”

In Bed Bath and Beyond

Shopping for a while and getting really bored. Why not try some of these handy pick-up lines while picking up some bath plugs which are surprisingly more multi purpose then you would think.

“I know you want to know what beyond means… I can show you.”

“No bed or bath, just beyond.”

“Bed, bath, beyond, I would have you anytime.”

“Yes the carpets match the drapes.”

“Clean up on aisle my pants.”

After Adam Sandler films

Bring someone home and think that an Adam Sandler movie will seal the deal? Hey, I can’t tell you if that will work, but maybe, just maybe it will. Don’t quote the whole thing though. You may mess up and you can’t recover from that. For best results, try Click.

“Hey, they didn’t really grow up, but I will.”

“If I had a universal remote, I would fast forward to me and you fucking, then slow it down so it lasts longer.”

“Sandler? I hardly know her!”

“How about we turn off this movie and actually have fun.”

“I’ll be your water boy.”

“Let my definatly not ticktack sized penis freshen your breath.

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