Pizza Horoscopes


Aries (March 21 – April 20)
You are pretentious, you think you know everything and brag about how you once met a member of the UN. You also roll your r’s even though you aren’t historically from somewhere that does that.

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
You’re lazy as fuck, quit begging for free money and four-hour work days. You don’t even work, quit dragging down the financial status of the EU through bailouts please.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
You love to cause drama, about anything possible, You only drink Smart Water because you think it’s better for you. You also hate Capitalism but you tell everyone this on your Mac computer while drinking your Venti Caramel macchiato with reduced foam, non-fat skim milk.

Cancer (June 22 – July 23)
Pineapple does not belong on pizza. You’re an outsider and you don’t fit in. The few people that will say hi to you to insist on not hanging out with because of your obscure interests. Until you stop eating this pizza nothing will change.

Leo (July 24 – Aug 23)
You’re the bread and butter of society. You’re the fun one, the one who can party and get up and go to that 8:30 the next day. You’re nothing special but everyone likes you. Pat yourself on the back kid.

Virgo (Aug 24 – Sept 23)
Cheese Pizza
You are boring as fuck, find a hobby and do something with your life.

Libra (Sept 24 – Oct 23)
Gluten Free
You’re a basic bitch or a celiac.

Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 22)
Vegan Pizza
You love Pizza but you hate fitting in with the regular crowd. You by a $10 frozen pizza from Whole Foods and eat the whole thing by yourself because none of your few friends are willing to try it in fear of self destructing the instant it hits their mouths.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21)
Meat Lovers
You love to get around, you won’t admit it publicly but you secretly get freaky. The only way people will know is by your order for extra spicy Italian sausage on top of your meat lovers. (you may also die at 45 from cholesterol related problems)

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 20)
Deep Dish
Fuck you, it’s time to stop your nonsense, If you are a Capricorn stop being such a stupid fuck, and eat real pizza. No matter how many times you try to convince your friends its good, its not.

Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 19)
Stuffed Crust
Wipe the Dorito crumbs off your chest and move your fat-ass to the gym. Pizza is already unhealthy enough, you don’t need to double the rate that you will get type 2 diabetes, and end up like an ugly, less talented Nick Jonas.

Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 20)
Cheeseburger Pizza
You can’t make your mind about anything ever. Do you want pizza? Do you want a cheeseburger? No fuck that I want both. You are the sole cause of your own pain and no one is sad for you. Stop being such a dipshit.