Music. It comes in all shapes and sizes like triangles, big, squares and small. But not everyone likes the same music – in fact, scientists have determined that all listeners of music fall into two distinct categories: Mozart, the hit pop artist of the 1970s, or Mac DeMarco, the 2018 EDM trombonist. In this critical ‘thinkpiece’, our two esteemed musical writers, Solo and Jeremy, debate the fundamental truths that permeate our society: who is better, Mac DeMarco or Mozart?
Solo: Mozart is the only REAL music because it was made a long time ago and in EUROPE. Last time I checked, Mac ‘De’ Marco is from Canada.
Jeremy: When did you check, 1912? Cause I think his place of birth may have actually changed since you last looked. I think he’s actually now from France.
Solo: Wait. Mac De ‘Marco’ is French? Ok but I share Brahms’ philosophy that the Paris Conservatory is NOTHING compared to the Viennese School. And don’t get me started on his ‘mu’ sic, it sounds like drivel.
Jeremy: All I know is, his guitars make me feel all wavey and silly. Have you seen some of his live videos on Youtube? He really raised the bar on nudity during concerts, from ‘maybe no shirt’, to ‘peen and all’. You gotta respect the man for that!
Solo: Woah woah there’s skin?? Even if I share Wagner’s philosophy of ‘gimme skin and I will grin’, I don’t think it adds to the musical effect. Maybe the artistry, but not the music.
Jeremy: As much as I do believe that every single one of Wagner’s controversial views are correct and valid, I’m going to have to disagree on this one. Mac DeMarco has the ability to make teens all over the country consider smoking cigarettes afters decades of anti-smoking PSAs.. who else has been that influential on our culture??
Solo: One word. Just ‘in’ Trudeau. Him and Mr. Marco went to highschool together and I know for a fact that ‘Just’ in was like a father to young Mr. Mac, so if there’s anyone who can bring him down a peg, it’s our PRESIDENT.
Jeremy: Mac Demarco may have the support of our Prez, but you know my boy Moz’ has the full love and blessings from our very own RHYME MINISTER, esteemed 90s rapper MAESTRO FRESH WES, responsible for hit Canadian rap tune ‘LET YA BACK BONE SLIDE’.
Solo: Are you Serial right now? Marc DeMaco is the GREATEST not only songsman, but ARTIST of mine and your father’s generation. The Beatles? The ‘Rolling’ Stones? No. Thac DeCharko is greater than all.
Dirty Mike: Alright, lemme hit you with some FACTS DEMARCO. 1) Mozart is a ‘pen name’, who was very likely, according to some historians, to have been the songwriters responsible for N’Sync’s last album, ‘Celebrity’. While this is still disputed, I’m pretty sure it’s true. 2) Mac DeMarco was last seen alive in 1856, and most believe that his current incarnation is actually an advanced hologram, from the same company that brought us Hologram Tupac, and Hologram David Spade.
Solo: Ok listen closely cause i’m only gonna say this once. I met Rat TheBarko on his 2006 tour called ‘The Fuzz’ and I shook his hand, I SHOOK HIS HAND. So either you got your facts messed up or holograms is solids now.
Jeremy: Solo… They are. Pretty much since 2056 all holograms have tactile feedback enabled. Where you been buddy?
Solo: Wait, no IT CAN’T BE! (Tries to feel my own arm, but hand goes right through it). I was a hologram the hole time!! Damn you Clash InSnarkno!!! (Shuts off).
Krash LeDarko: Finally… my plan has been realized at last. There can be only one ultimate historical indie musical influence… and it is me!
Jeremy: KRASH, you didn’t tell me it was going to come to this! I’ve known Solo for years of my life, and he was a hologram this whole ti- ti- ti- ti- ti- ti-
Kr@$h L€ D@rk0: SYSTEM OPERATION COMPLETE- INITIALIZING REBOOT SEQUENCE-