Warning: To understand the context of this story you have to Read the Journal. While obviously this is a distasteful venture to even the most hardened consumers of breathless, enthusiastic reporting of inane local news, we highly encourage you to read their article on “TAPS services to be locked for Hoco”, then promptly set the rest of the newspaper on fire and then put it out in a toilet, then flush that toilet.
Point: Make Hazing Great Again
Whenever you hear a story of upper year students in a position of authority forcing younger students to do outrageous, illegal, and dangerous things like butt chug, eat a bat, or just generally demean themselves, everyone in their right mind is suitably disgusted but completely transfixed. There are a multitude awful, morbidly entertaining stories like athletes who make rookies do an Elephant walk (google it) or frats who paddle their pledges (watch Animal House) and get them astronomically intoxicated (people watch in the Ghetto on any night) or sororities who talk shit about each other (presumably). There is no doubt in my mind that these allegories are disgusting anachronisms that have no place in 21st century society.
…but like they’re also like really hard to look away from. It’s like watching a car crash, you can’t look away. I mean that’s why we have violent video games, reality TV and Game of Thrones? Those stories are compelling, albeit depravedly. However, when you hear about the results of the TAPS hazing: petty vandalism, a “choking hazard” from playing chubby bunny, drinking toxic amounts of booze…. That only gets a *shrug*. I mean like it’s bad. Don’t get me wrong, hazing is bad. But like this is PG-13, educational video, dark episode of Fresh Prince bad. I started reading that Journal article hoping for some HBO, not some TVO. And I mean everyone took responsibility for their involvement, even people who were barely involved and there were repercussions for the whole staff? God this is barely even a scandal it was so appropriately resolved.
I think everyone sees the value of creating a strong institutions. That’s why no one ever talks shit about the government, or the Catholic Church. And the hallmark of a strong institution is shrugging off controversy and burying criticism. TAPS, was clearly on track to become a venerable institution: they provided a benefit to society (based on the drink prices at Undies) and not giving a shit about whoever thinks of them (based on the service at QP) just were firmly bumped off the track by this weak-sauce (but totally justified) hazing non-scandal. Queen’s University is an absolute beehive of potential scandals: we make frosh climb a pole in a pit of dirt water, we routinely shut down entire blocks for spontaneous partying, no one knows how to pronounce Cha Gheill, and we have a wereWoolf for a principal. If we as a university are going to have a student bar and call it ours, that student bar needs to at the very least be able to put up a scandal big enough to make the small print of international newspapers. For TAPS to stumble at such a basic hurdle calls into question their ability to still be called Queen’s student bar.
So, with all the authority vested in me by this paper, I am casting down their woebegotten title. In the vacuum left, the challenge to bear that sword in the stone must be to get caught in a scandal of truly legendary proportions. For that scandal to qualify it must pass these qualifications: there must be at least two (2) wild animals present, a money laundering operation must be realised, enough alcohol to get a small city tipsy enough to text their ex after last call must be consumed and a relic of a canonized saint (bonus point if that relic is canonized using an actual cannon) must be utterly defiled. Bars of Kingston, I await your response. Chug Ale.
Two and a Half Black Men
Counter-point: TAPS didn’t ruin Hazing, Hazing Ruined TAPS
I fucking knew something was up. I knew that TAPS was hazing their staff even before I read that journal article. How did I know this you ask? Because I once got terrible service at QP, the type of service so terrible that it could only have been borne out of my server having been intensely physically and emotionally abused in the days leading up to my fateful journey to QP. All I wanted was a buffalo chicken wrap, and instead the only thing I recieved was profound disappointment, the kind only felt by a 1950’s father whose son can’t throw a baseball properly. It should have been a huge red flag that every member of the staff I saw emerged from the kitchen with increasingly gruesome injuries over the course of the evening, but in my infinite naivete I believed their ridiculous excuses like “I fell” and “I accidentally hit my head on a beer tap”.
In addition to the fact that the staff seemed as though they had just experienced the horrors of early 20th century trench warfare. They also seemed to be far too friendly with each other, almost as if they had been participating in organised socials outside of their time at work. This irked me to no end as it upset my prefered state of being as the centre of attention. I found it utterly unacceptable that the staff did not have 100% of their attention on me 100% of the time. I have no doubt in my mind that the recent stories of hazing that have surfaced are the basis for this unacceptable level of staff comradery and fatigue.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that hazing necessarily always successfully operates as a mechanism to bring people together and I don’t attribute the apparent tight knit nature of the taps community directly to hazing. I’m just outraged that the people who work at these bars are friends who spend time together outside of work and enjoy their jobs. I honestly don’t care if they’re getting together on weekends to do group bible study. Hazing, bible study, to me it’s all the same shit. Work isn’t supposed to be fun. Everyone is supposed to be just as miserable and boring as I am. Hazing has ruined TAPS, but so has any other social activity between workers. In order to make TAPS function like the well oiled machine all business enterprises should be, I propose the following. First, take the sanctions one step further. In addition to closing QP and Undies for Homecoming and Frost Week just close them entirely, convert the space into small factories that students can work at to make money in an environment where they’re guaranteed to have the least fun they can have at work. Secondly, impose a curfew in the Student Ghetto as well as around residences in effect from 10PM until 5AM in order to ensure that no students are socialising outside of class. Lastly, overthrow the currently elected government of Canada and replace it with a workers dictatorship, outlaw all drugs and alcohol, and introduce legislation that makes workplace efficiency the most important value in Canada. This would eliminate hazing, friendship, workplace inefficiency, and I’d finally be able to get a fucking buffalo chicken wrap.