Monday September 14th the Engineering Society released a statement to the media revealing our famed Grease Pole had been abducted by a group named the Brute Force Committee. As the prime source of information for engineering students, Golden Words gave me, Chalupa Batman, the responsibility of finding the truth.
I began my investigation with the legendary Pole Committee, the group rumoured to be in-charge of guarding the Grease Pole throughout the year. Surprisingly easily I was able to find and meet with Candy Starbright who claimed to have been elected head of the Pole Committee in 2010. I was quite surprised, though she claimed to work at the plaza she wasn’t wearing the usual white and green rugger. When asked if she knew where the Grease Pole was she responded “the what pole?” The large yellow pole slathered in Lanolin I replied, to which she answered “I’ll slather you in lanolin for $20”. Little did Candy know that lanolin prices had increased by 300 percent in the past 2 years due to a boom in the eastern Asian shrimp market and though I am only a mere 5’9” it could cost far more than $20 to purchase enough lanolin to slather me, this was actually a fantastic deal. However for the sake of the truth I carried on!
I next asked if she knew anything about the supposed “Brute Force Committee” which had been named as the abductors of our glorious lubricated pole. Candy replied “I’m a part of a lot of groups that are in to that kind of stuff, but none of them call themselves the brute force committee”. There must have been someone else behind this kidnapping, I pressed on. After countless sleepless nights, 24 hour days and 365.25 day years I’ve compiled the most likely culprits that could have committed this heinous crime.
Dean Kimberley Woodhouse
When asked about the changes to this year’s highland games, Woodhouse replied “It was Chaotic, there were first years covered in filth, upper years were trapped behind fences, even when they slammed their jackets as a final SOS and cry for freedom, instead of coming to their rescue frosh and event organisers turned away, no one even gave them the slightest bit of attention!”
Did Woodhouse take our sacred token of frosh week in retribution to the events which occurred the previous day?
Mr. Brady has for years been suspected of tampering with university traditions however when this case was brought before the newly appointed Senate Non Academic Discipline officer Daniel Woolf. The court transcripts note Woolf saying “I’ll take away homecomeing” To which Mr. Brady answered: “I don’t even go here”. Woolf left with nothing else up his sleeve was forced to drop all charges, leading students to ask how this system was better than the previously effective student run Non-academic Discipline system.
Mr. Trump has been quoted at no less than 3 presidential pep rallies as saying” when was the last time we beat China in a trade deal? China has 26 foot poles, I want to beat China, I will lubricate our 26 foot poles. We can beat China. China”
Did Mr. Trump realize he can’t beat Queen’s Engineering? Did the envy get inside his Tupee until he couldn’t take it anymore?
It can also be noted that flyers reading “if you’re not white you’re not right” were found scattered just outside the storage location.
Recently and yet still weeks later than each actually party campaigning in the federal election, May released the Green Parties Federal platform. The platform included the Green Party abolishing University and College Tuition and forgiving student debt. Could it be, when her desperate ply to be relevant to students turned into a Module 3 example of a non-feasible project plan, May and her 3 votes-all majoring in environmental toxicology had to take their revenge?
Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman
This South American drug king pin has escaped prison twice, the last of which he had crews dig a mile long tunnel under his prison. After a recent golden words video in which all actors say “I don’t do cocaine” as a reason to join the Golden Words staff, Queen’s Student and cocaine enthusiast Brook Adams has informed Golden words there is a large push to increase movement of product on Campus.
Could it be that the hollow 26 foot casing is being used to transport contraband into the university district?
It can also be noted when asked to comment on the matter of the missing Grease Pole, all 3 members of the EngSoc Exec had finished all problem sets up to week 11, cleaned their rooms and office and continually asked Golden Words staff to run a 10K with them on the spot.