“Poor” Students Torn Between Allegiances to Western Democracy, Free Movies in Light of Sony Hacking Scandal


In a response to the upcoming release of the James Franco/ Seth Rogen movie The Interview – in which the two are recruited by the CIA to assassinate Kim Jong-Un; North Korean hackers named simply ‘Guardians of Peace’ have hacked into the computers of The Interview’s studio, Sony Pictures, and released onto the web copies of Sony films to be downloaded. The news left students across the country unsure of whether or not to thank the hermit kingdom for giving them high quality, screening copies.

“As much as I despise the power-hungry despot Kim Jong-Un, I also really don’t wanna pay $10.85 to go see Brad Pitt in Fury” said Damon Whosit, Sci ‘15. “It was mediocre anyway.”

“I’m as much a freedom lovin son of a bitch as the next guy, but you know, when was the last time our spies had a field day on bitTorrent?” added Tim McNeil, Arts ‘12 (still to graduate).

Students cited rising movie ticket costs and a self-proclaimed “poverty” as reasons why they prefer to torrent movies currently in theatres, even if this means giving credit to government agents working for an oppressive dictatorship. “You gotta give credit where credit is due” said Jane Delorean, Nursing 17. “Like, they probably have shitty computers which makes their job so much harder. You try breaking down a major studio’s firewall using Windows 98.”

At press time, these poverty-stricken students were asking their parents for some more money for booze for when they return to one of the most prestigious universities in the country.