Position of University Rectum To Be Filled


Queen’s students are set to elect a new Rectum Rector at the end of January. The Rectum Rector election will be happening parallel to the AMS executive election, where students will be electing new members of the AMS to later resign and then be replaced by people they would never dream of electing. Like your deadbeat brother who isn’t getting the hint that he should probably move out of the basement, when a Rectum Rector gets elected, they hold the position until the day they graduate.
Queen’s is known for being the only university to have a student Rectum Rector, despite the fact the position of Rectum Rector is traditionally held by, you know, an established adult in a proper paid full-time position. The change happened during the Great Depression, when the principal at the time got belligerently drunk off prohibition moonshine and decided to save money by putting a student in the role. When the university regained its financial stability, the institution, still drunk from prohibition, said “Fuck it, we’re too lazy to go through the bureaucratic process of ensuring that our Rectum Rector is a qualified and competent hire. We’ll let students deal with it. They can choose whoever the fuck they want. Why not. I’m going to sleep now”. Now, Queen’s has somehow justified this slothfulness as a student Rectum Rector tradition to be proud of.
Besides being a self-jerking figure head, no one here at Golden Words is completely sure of what exactly the Rectum Rector’s role and responsibility is. When we spoke to current Rectum Rector Leonard Campbell, he didn’t seem know either. Campbell, who is just finishing up his 7th year of his undergraduate degree said, “For the rectal duties, a good Rectum Rector will really, really have to stretch themselves to be the best fit for the position. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s sooo satisfying when you feel like you have what it takes to be Rectum Rector inside of you.”
Campbell was able to confirm with Golden Words that as Rectum Rector, he sits on at least 20 ineffective committees within the school. “I’m expected to go to all of the committee meetings and I find that day drinking has become my coping mechanism of choice. I mean, no one has stopped me from refilling the complimentary refreshments with Smirnoff so I’m just going to keep going with it. And I’ve only vomited from drinking in a committee twice, and only once on another person. That’s better than Principal Woolf’s record.” Campbell was also proud to say that he has only lost three teeth since filling the position of Rectum Rector.
A record number of Rectum Rector candidates are set to run in the 2016 election. The 134 candidates for running for the position of Rectum Rector range from coming from Engineering to Farts Arts and Science. The prerequisite qualification to run for the position of Rectum Rector seems to be a semi-active heartbeat and the willingness to wear pants. Originally, the Rectum Rector selection process was not a democratic election but was a dual of bicycle jousting, selecting the last person able to walk to be Rectum Rector. Since the campaign for Rectum Rector has not officially started yet, back door nomination packages will be readily accepted and are encouraged.