Hello fellow literates! Thanks for joining us once again for another issue of Golden Words, this time with more potato chips! That’s right folks, due to popular demand we’ve taken the ethical responsibility to put more starch-based content into our newspaper.
Ok I’m sure this situation rings a bell – you’re at a party by the snack table, a straight diiiime comes up to you, you look fly, and then you take a hand full of whatever chip they have lying out there and shove it into your greasy pie hole. Disgusted, the lady leaves. You wonder, “why did this happen? How on earth did I let it come to this?”. Well reader, it’s quite obvious that your lack of self confidence and poor oral hygiene are only part of the equation. Deal with that halitosis another day, today I’m going to teach you the crucial tips that you’ve always needed when it comes to potato chip choice. After years of research and focus groups, I’ve determined a definitive tier list of all sorts of potato chips. Important to note that potato chips can only be made out of potatoes, so get this Pringle-ass shit out of here. Almost lost a hand growing up cuz of those goddamn cans. Anyway see here:
5. Late Night Cheeseburger
Don’t worry if you’ve never had this one, it’s an acquired taste. Tell me how they pack an entire cheeseburger AND the concept of day/night (and thereby orbiting and basic principles of astrophysics) into a single chip. I don’t have a fucking clue! All I know is that it makes me rock hard and gives me a way to rebel against my kosher parents. Those two things are unrelated.
Doritos – natures Dorito. Delicious and tasty, despite its nacho cheese flavour, you really only know it as the Dorito flavour. A great crunchy texture, with the iconic Dorito dust that brings the whole thing together? WARNING: Do not snort dust, my cousin Vinnie’s housemate fucking died because of it.
3. Dill Pickle (UNDERRATED AS FUCK)
Ok I know all you haters are probably up in arms about this one. To be honest I don’t blame you. Not very many people give the ole DP a try, but when you do, you’ll be in for a pleasant surprise. Another reason why this flavour is legit is because many people have very strong opinions against DP, so you can have all the DP you want!
2. All Dressed
Put on your tux or prom dress, because this flavour is ALL DRESSED ahahahaha joking aside, I fuck with All Dressed chips. Fun fact: They don’t sell All Dressed chips in the United States. Presumably we got them since Donald Trump created an imbalance in brittle orange crisps between our nations.
THE GCOAT, (Greatest Chip of all Time). That’s right. The ketchup that doesn’t actually taste like ketchup. Girls see you eating ketchups chips, they wanna be with you. Guys see you munching on those red devils and they wanna be you. Sorry to say but nothing gets better than these. They don’t burn your tongue up like Salt and Vinegar, they don’t get worse and worse like regular chips. They are perfect, and your suitors will recognize the same of you if you’re lucky.
THAT’S RIGHT DEREK – KETCHUP CHIPS ARE GREAT GO FUCK YOURSELF