Principal Woolf has announced that he himself will shotgun the inaugural beer on Aberdeen street Thursday morning. The shotgun is to take place at 8:30 AM sharp to mark the first classes skipped of the day. The beer being shotgunned? Guinness of course. Firstly because it’s Irish, and secondly because being able to successfully shotgun a Guinness is a feat the completion of which Principal Woolf hopes will earn him respect from Queen’s students. After making a chuckling quip about shotgunning a beer for St. Paddy’s day, a student yelled out “Odds?“, and as is tradition, Woolf had to reply. As a huge beauty, he made it a 1 out of 10, but unfortunately made the mistake of choosing the most random number of 7. Knowing this, the student countered him easily and said the same number. As a result, Woolf needed to put his name on the ballot for fear of destroying his social life.
Principal Woolf wasn’t the only candidate however. Other candidates for the honour of inaugural shotgun included: Former Mayor Mark Gerretsen, Boo Hoo the Bear (real one), the anti-gay protester from University and Union, and Kathleen Wynne (a Queen’s alumnus herself). Despite trying to get put on the ballot, Queen’s University rejected the push of that one toothless Townie who collects cans on Sundays. Principal Woolf won out in the end however as he noted that he had never shotgunned before, prompting all of Queen’s ever to vote for him.
The shotgun will also contain a community element. For the first time in Queen’s history students will be able to earn a unique bar for St. Patrick’s day drinking. Any students or alumni who join Principal Woolf on Aberdeen at 8:30 AM on March 17 and successfully shotgun a Guinness will be entitled to wear the “Woolfpack” bar on their jacket. As a limited time bar, it is expected that hundreds of thousands of engineers will be in attendence.
Following the shotgun Principal Woolf will break the ceremonial first beer bottle on Aberdeen thereby officially beginning a day of drunken, mildly culturally offensive street partying. The partying will not end until Principal Woolf is properly CORed with full honours in a lavish ceremony at 2 AM.