Pro Tips on Dating

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Depending on your preference, here are some ways to have a successful start of a relationship, or just some dates.

 

For the self-conscious lady or gentleman who want to seem chill

If you want a date with your person of interest, keep five to ten casual texts with them per day. Do not exceed your quota in case they think you’re clingy. Do not ask them for their schedule in case they find out you want to plan a date with them. Ask them what they are doing on each night of the week, but do not ask them out even if they are free. You don’t want to seem needy. Simply hint that you are free too. If they are interested, they’ll ask you out soon enough.

If you get a date, great! Simply go to your best friend to vent your excitement and anxiety so your friend can reassure you of your desirability. Do not sound too interested to your date.

On the day of your date, get ready an hour early, arrive 15 minutes early, then hide. You want to only show yourself 3 minutes after your date shows up. Again, you don’t want to seem too eager, and you don’t want to be so on time that it’s creepy, so it’s better to let your date wait a natural amount of time.

At dinner, do not order pasta or chicken wings or anything with a lot of grease, calories, or garlic. Do not order soup or noodle soup or anything that makes you slurp or splash. Spring rolls, sushi, or salads are good options.

During your date, ask lots of questions about your date. Divert questions targeted towards your life goals, childhood insecurities, and sexuality. If you had to answer, just say “I really care about the goodness in things I like. What’s your opinion on [insert value specific personal question]?”

After your date, continuously divert the question of “what should we do now?” while walking together in the direction of your home. Use the narrow sidewalk to your advantage: lightly brush your sleeve against your date’s, and if you are not wearing gloves, let your hands touch. But do not grab your date’s hand. Supposedly this will increase the sexual tension while not making you seem too forward.

When you arrive at your door, say that that’s your house, but don’t tell your date to leave. Also don’t tell your date to come in. Simply keep talking about the most intriguing conversation topics possible. Make sure your face is between 22 cm and 24 cm away from your date’s face. If your date likes you at this point, they will lean in to kiss you, and they may also have sex with you. At that point, you will feel like you are the winner in this date.

For the respectfully efficient lover

Make sure you and your potential date don’t dislike each other. Approach them just outside of their “personal space”. Say the more honest of the following: “Hey, I want to know you better. Would you like to go on a date with me?” or “Hey, I would like to have sex with you. Would you like to come to my place when you have some free time?”

The success rate typically precisely equals to the probability that your potential date likes you too.

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