Putting It In Rice Couldn’t Save My Failing Relationship


Wow guys, thanks for all the advice, your help has been outpouring and I’ve really appreciated it. In times like this I take solace in knowing that our dear readers support me.

For those of you who don’t know, I’ve been struggling lately in my relationship. I mean it’s not really either of our faults – we’ve just been on such different tracks on life. I try to make time for her but I feel like everytime I try I push her farther and farther away. It feels bad, because I know that deep down she’s the only girl for me. Alas, are we condemned to, like Romeo and Juliet, to burn out fast and dying into the ethereal beyond? I had hoped not, and for weeks I thought, asking friends and family alike what possible remedies I could use to save this dying flame of romance. Some advice I got was good and some was bad. Nonetheless, I knew that if I didn’t give it a try, then all my hopes would’ve been dashed. Some people told me that coconut oil would help, others said to try meditation, but by far the biggest piece of advice I got was to put it in rice.

I mean for years I’ve been hearing about how good rice is. “I dropped my phone in the toilet and put it in rice for a couple of days and it worked like new”, “I dropped my Playstation 4 in the bathtub and put it in rice for a day and it’s back in action”, “I dropped my server farm in my olympic-sized wave pool and put it in rice for an hour and I’m back to hosting illicit darkweb tor sites for millions!”

So hey, if it worked for electronics, why wouldn’t it work for my relationship? I saw no reason why not. So off I went to the Metro (on Tuesday/Thursday obviously) and bought loads and loads of cheap rice, brought it make to my house, and prepared my ploy. It needed to be perfect if I had any chance to claim back the woman I had lost.

Her name was Sarah and she was in Psych. She was also made up for the sake of this article but that’s besides the point. Anyway, she came to my apartment thinking that we were going to finish the new Netflix Original Series, The Crown. Little did she know that as she stepped into my house, and as I placed her in front of one of my windows, I shouted the signal. “Get her boys!”.

In that moment she was confused, but I knew that it was for the best for us. The cement truck outside, loaded with brown rice, released its cargo and drowned my girlfriend in cereal grain and pure carbs. The last image of her face disappeared underneath the rice, and I felt satisfied that we could get back to the way we were at the start of our relationship.

Three days later I returned to the rice pile, where a peculiar smell arose. I told Sarah she could come out, but she didn’t respond, so I had to dig her out. And to my horror, my beloved was dead! Those liars! I thought rice was supposed to have solved all my problems, but it left me with even more. Now I’ve got a body that I need to take care of before the cops find out. But you guys won’t tell anyone right? Publishing this in a paper can’t be a bad idea, can it?