Thanksgiving used to be a proud and noble holiday. The mighty early man would toil all throughout the harvest in his fields and only when all his work was done would he celebrate his industrious spirit with a bountiful feast for himself, his family, his community and any useless pilgrims he took pity on. But now Thanksgiving has become little more than a testament to North America’s favorite sins. Gluttony (see Thanksgiving dinner), sloth (see those morons watching Thanksgiving football while other people cook food/wash dishes), greed (see a Costco on Black Friday) and lust (See Sam-I-Am-Not’s How to Tell Whether the Hot Girl at Thanksgiving Dinner is a Family Friend or 2nd Cousin). We here at Golden Words consider this gross display of excess a spit in the face of the human spirit and propose that before the lazy people of this continent are permitted to stuff their fat faces with gravy coated turkey, mashed potatoes and pumpkin pies they be forced to undergo a endeavour of human spirit, a hearty, hardworking collection of trials and tasks so they might reclaim the glory of the early man. We do declare that from this day forward, before each Thanksgiving day celebration, the gluttonous masses must complete the following tasks in rapid succession:
The future-feaster will be forced to do three days worth of first year Applied Science Calculus homework.
The future-feaster will be required to complete a standard field sobriety test including a flawless recitation of the alphabet backwards while standing on one foot. The future-feaster will correctly conjugate the Russian verb прильнуть in all six tenses.
The future-feaster will plant fifty trees in the rain.
The future-feaster will be forced to endure four minutes of listening to a commerce student in an Armani suit talk about his future, with the smarmy certainty only a commie can unironically possess.
The future-feaster will read an entire issue of The Journal cover to cover.
The future-feaster will crash all of the following events without getting caught:
-A Polygamist Wedding
-A Baptist Church Choir Practice
-A Staff Meeting at the McDonald’s on Woodward Ave in Detroit
-A “secret meeting” in Compton’s MacArthur Park
-A Cuyahoga County Girl Scout Meeting
-Hugh Heffner’s 90th Birthday Party
-A White Knights of Mississippi Ku Klux Klan Rally
-A Trump/Clinton Presidential Debate
-A Harvard Frat Party
-A Gambler’s Anonymous Meeting
-Daniel Woolf’s Annual Murder Mystery Dinner Party
After these tasks are completed you can guiltlessly and happily gorge yourself in the manor of the majestic early man and know that you earned it. Happy Thanksgiving!