Queen’s Actually In the News For Something Good This Time

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Tuesday morning it was announced that Queen’s own professor emeritus Dr. Arthur McDonald won the Nobel prize for confirming neutrino flavour change indicating the particles are affected by the Higg’s mechanism and therefore have mass being smarter than you at the annual Science Grammies. This comes after bad publicity resulting from bullshit being taught in a first year bird course, and as Macleans probably put it to scare your grandparents, ‘students drinking, rioting, and playing their fandangled music too loud’. 
Principal Daniel Woolfe, recently concluding a tour of esteemed countries such as North Korea, Ukraine, and Egypt to learn about crowd control/dissidence management, had reportedly jumped from his lookout post at the spire of Grant hall spotted the first CBC van driving on campus. Before he could send another ‘open letter’ to everyone’s cellphones Ukrainian style, a secretary stopped him to relay the good news. “Holy shit, we really did it! We didn’t fuck up!” said Woolfe, who also added that now he didn’t have to give the student body a time out or take away HoCo again. 
Students are rejoicing at the news because they could stop lying to friends and family, reassuring them they weren’t, ‘one of those delinquents out there flippin’ cars’ many others have other concerns. With the inevitable enrollment spike next year, university officials are planning to move major first year classes even further west; Chem 112, Math 121, Psyc 100, and Pols 110 lectures are set to take place in St. Lawrence College lecture halls. Course planners also ensured the class before and after each of those held at St. Lawrence would be in BioSci.  
 

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