Queen’s Announces Inaugural Season of Varsity Facebook Messenger Basketball Team


One week ago today, our modern social fabric was forever disrupted and tossed into a state of disarray. Of course, the catalyst for this was none other than Facebook’s newest addition to their Messenger app, a hidden basketball minigame. The game, which has logged over 300 million sessions in just 7 days, has already captivated the hearts and fingers of players worldwide. Suddenly, group chats which were once sanctuaries of peace, tranquility and memes have now fallen victim to the toxic power of competitive drive. The campus administration has recognized the popularity of the game, and has established a varsity team to compete with other players at universities across Canada. Later in the article, famed Sports Psychologist, Basketball Steve, will provide valuable insight into this emerging e-sport.

With the bitter disappointment of the recent Queen’s Varsity Rugby team, the school has been looking for new ways to maintain credibility in its sporting endeavours. A recent attempt at a Varsity Buttchugging team ended with a successful class-action lawsuit and a disappointing loss to the McMaster Sphincters (Team name courtesy of a pun-loving Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan). This new initiative was spawned from the Senate Varsity Sports Action Committee, and is the result of 18 months of planning and exactly one week of noticing that the Facebook game is really fun and cool. The team will play a full season against Canadian university teams, and the winner of the playoffs will head to the Facebook Headquarters to compete for a grand prize of 150 Farmville credits.

The popular Facebook game has quickly been sweeping across the fickle university demographic. While initially elusive, the game can be accessed by sending a basketball emoji and then tapping on it. Once in the game, the rules are simple: swipe the ball into the net, then keep doing that until you notice your phone has died because this game is so fucking addictive fuck. The game tracks the high score in each conversation, so your superiority can be publically displayed for all of your shitty loser friends to see. As you can imagine, these elements combine to form a potent mixture of fun and frustration, with subtle undertones of sexual lust. In other words, Facebook has managed to create the Flappy Bird of sports.

To understand this cultural zeitgeist, we first need to discuss how the game first originated. Every year, March Madness captivates sports lovers around the globe. The term March Madness, if you’ve gotten this far into the article without actually knowing what is going on, is a common nickname for the annual NCAA college basketball tournament. The tournament is also notorious for the impossibly low odds of predicting a perfect outcome. Last year, legendary investor Warren Buffett even offered a small loan of $1 Billion to anyone who could guess a perfect bracket, which went unclaimed. With many fans quickly becoming disillusioned with the unpredictability of sport, Queen’s knew it had a niche to fill. That’s where renowned Sports Psychologist, Basketball Steve, comes in.