In tandem with the official Queen’s financial motto: Perfecte Sperate in Eam Rem Pecuniam Abit which roughly translates to “throw money at it and hope the problem goes away?”, the university has invested 3.4 million dollars in Oculus Rift technology as a part of its 5 year professorial phase out initiative.
Caroline Davis, Vice Principal of Finance and Administration stated, “Whereas before we would place a Ph.D. candidate in front of 700 students and just hope no one would succumb to a mental breakdown, we can now individualize the learning experience so that every single student can ignore their post-secondary education comfortably wherever they are.”
“Why build a concrete educational future for both students and prospective professors, when we can cash in on some sweet sweet Rift stocks now?” laughed a nameless executive from the financial office.
The virtual reality head-mounted display has been enthusiastically ushered in by all students who claimed to have really enjoyed the blended learning curriculum at Queen’s (statistic based on an AMS email survey). Student reactions have swayed between very excited and unbelievably ecstatic that the university would make another decision affecting a group it has not bothered consulting.
“Personally I think it feels like the birth of Christ all over again, what a blessing not to interact with my peers!” – Diane Spoons (Arts 18).
“It’ll be just like the human space colony in WALL-E! Aw man shit was dope. I was getting super tired of moving around all the time and like engaging with people and being able to learn collectively,” – Devin Malport (Kin 17).
“Bout fucking time, my headset had been collecting dust for a couple months now and I was worried that if the university didn’t want to stay competitive that soon they’d be giving out something prehistoric like iPads.” – Bennington Chunce (Comm 19).
When pressed for further details as to whether Queen’s was being pressured into the technological singularity, representatives from the university eerily emitted one long pitch note before reassuring us that “we have nothing to worry about” and that “the end is NOT imminent”.