In a press conference early this morning, Principal Daniel Woolf and Provost Alan Harrison announced the 7th annual Matt/Emily Hunger Games in response to rising populations of Matts and Emilys at Queen’s. The first year Class of 2019 had a particularly large rise in the number of Matts and Emilys, and this number is expected to rise further in the coming years. Statistics have been taken from Facebook page bios, 90% of which are from Matts and Emilys.
“We see this Hunger Games as extremely important to making sure that dickbags don’t overrun our institution,” said Woolf in his statement. “We expect to see an equal decrease in wearing hats inside, people wearing gym clothes around so others think that they work out, and people who call for celeb shots in pong and always fly ball.” Harrison agreed, writing that Matts and Emilys, “are actually really fucking annoying and not that unique.” Fear had been increasing in recent years over the possibility of another Chernobyl, where enough Matts and Emilys were in one place to fuse into one sentient being, destroying the city after a building ‘accidentally’ bumped into them.
Woolf and Harrison then proceeded to explain the rules of the Hunger Games: each Matt and Emily are to be given one beer can/Palm Bay and expected to forage through a kegger for resources that would allow them to fight each other to the death. If previous Hunger Games have been any indication, the Matts will quickly pick fights with other Matts and Emilys will cry after one of them calls the other fat. Chaos will evidently ensue after the Emilys’ feet hurt and want to go home, and one Matt and Emily will reign supreme.
As the Hungers Games FB event approaches, Emilys and Matts alike have begun protesting the event, but the general student population has welcomed it. Carlys and Connors and fearful that they might be next.
First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Socialist.
Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.
Then they came for the Matts and Emilys, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Matts or Emilys.